The Substitute

  Produced by David Widger

  DEEP WATERS

  By W.W. JACOBS

  THE SUBSTITUTE

  The night watchman had just returned to the office fire after leaving itto attend a ring at the wharf bell. He sat for some time puffingfiercely at his pipe and breathing heavily.

  "Boys!" he said, at last. "That's the third time this week, and yet if Iwas to catch one and skin 'im alive I suppose I should get into troubleover it. Even 'is own father and mother would make a fuss, most like.Some people have boys, and other people 'ave the trouble of 'em. Ourstreet's full of 'em, and the way they carry on would make a monkey-'ouseashamed of itself. The man next door to me's got seven of 'em, and whenI spoke to 'im friendly about it over a pint one night, he put the blameon 'is wife.

  "The worst boy I ever knew used to be office-boy in this 'ere office, andI can't understand now why I wasn't 'ung for him. Undersized little chaphe was, with a face the colour o' bad pie-crust, and two little blackeyes like shoe-buttons. To see 'im with his little white cuffs, and astand-up collar, and a little black bow, and a little bowler-'at, wasenough to make a cat laugh. I told 'im so one day, and arter that weknew where we was. Both of us.

  "By rights he ought to 'ave left the office at six--just my time forcoming on. As it was, he used to stay late, purtending to work 'ard soas to get a rise. Arter all the clerks 'ad gorn 'ome he used to sitperched up on a stool yards too 'igh for him, with one eye on the ledgerand the other looking through the winder at me. I remember once goingoff for 'arf a pint, and when I come back I found 'im with a policeman,two carmen, and all the hands off of the Maid Marian, standing on theedge of the jetty, waiting for me to come up. He said that, not findingme on the wharf, 'e made sure that I must 'ave tumbled overboard, as hefelt certain that I wouldn't neglect my dooty while there was breath inmy body; but 'e was sorry to find 'e was mistook. He stood there talkinglike a little clergyman, until one of the carmen knocked his 'at over 'iseyes, and then he forgot 'imself for a bit.

  "Arter that I used to wait until he 'ad gorn afore I 'ad my arf-pint. Ididn't want my good name taken away, and I had to be careful, and many'sthe good arf-pint I 'ad to refuse because that little imitation monkeywas sitting in the office drawing faces on 'is blotting-paper. Butsometimes it don't matter 'ow careful you are, you make a mistake.

  "There was a little steamer, called the Eastern Monarch, used to come uphere in them days, once a week. Fat little tub she was, with a crew o'fattish old men, and a skipper that I didn't like. He'd been in thecoasting trade all 'is life, while I've knocked about all over the world,but to hear 'im talk you'd think he knew more about things than I did.

  "Eddication, Bill,' he ses one evening, 'that's the thing! You can'targufy without it; you only talk foolish, like you are doing now.'

  "'There's eddication and there's common sense,' I ses. 'Some people 'asone and some people 'as the other. Give me common sense.'

  "'That's wot you want,' he ses, nodding.

  "'And, o' course,' I ses, looking at 'im, 'there's some people 'asn't goteither one or the other.'

  "The office-boy came out of the office afore he could think of an answer,and the pair of 'em stood there talking to show off their cleverness,till their tongues ached. I took up my broom and went on sweeping, andthey was so busy talking long words they didn't know the meaning of toeach other that they was arf choked with dust afore they noticed it.When they did notice it they left off using long words, and the skippertried to hurt my feelings with a few short ones 'e knew.

  "'It's no good wasting your breath on 'im,' ses the boy. 'You might aswell talk to a beer-barrel.'

  "He went off, dusting 'imself down with his little pocket-'ankercher, andarter the skipper 'ad told me wot he'd like to do, only he was too sorryfor me to do it, 'e went back to the ship to put on a clean collar, andwent off for the evening.

  "He always used to go off by hisself of a evening, and I used to wonder'ow he passed the time. Then one night I found out.

  "I had just come out of the Bear's Head, and stopped to look round aforegoing back to the wharf, when I see a couple o' people standing on theswing-bridge saying 'Good-bye' to each other. One of 'em was a man andthe other wasn't.

  "'Evening, cap'n,' I ses, as he came towards me, and gave a little start.'I didn't know you 'ad brought your missis up with you this trip.'

  "'Evening, Bill,' he ses, very peaceful. 'Wot a lovely evening!'

  "'Bee-utiful!' I ses.

  "'So fresh,' ses the skipper, sniffing in some of the air.

  "'Makes you feel quite young agin,' I ses.

  "He didn't say nothing to that, except to look at me out of the corner of'is eye; and stepping on to the wharf had another look at the sky toadmire it, and then went aboard his ship. If he 'ad only stood me apint, and trusted me, things might ha' turned out different.

  "Quite by chance I happened to be in the Bear's Head a week arterwards,and, quite by chance, as I came out I saw the skipper saying 'Good-bye'on the bridge agin. He seemed to be put out about something, and when Isaid 'Wot a lovely evening it would be if only it wasn't raining 'ard!'he said something about knocking my 'ead off.

  "'And you keep your nose out o' my bisness,' he ses, very fierce.

  "'Your bisness!' I ses. 'Wot bisness?'

  "'There's some people as might like to know that you leave the wharf tolook arter itself while you're sitting in a pub swilling gallons andgallons o' beer,' he ses, in a nasty sort o' way. 'Live and let live,that's my motter."

  "'I don't know wot you're talking about,' I ses, 'but it don't matteranyways. I've got a clear conscience; that's the main thing. I'm asopen as the day, and there's nothing about me that I'd mind anybodyknowing. Wot a pity it is everybody can't say the same!'

  "I didn't see 'im saying 'Good-bye' the next week or the week arter thateither, but the third week, arter just calling in at the Bear's Head, Istrolled on casual-like and got as far as the bottom of Tower Hill aforeI remembered myself. Turning the corner, I a'most fell over the skipper,wot was right in the fair way, shaking 'ands with his lady-friend underthe lamp-post. Both of 'em started, and I couldn't make up my mind whichgave me the most unpleasant look.

  "'Peep-bo!' I ses, cheerful-like.

  "He stood making a gobbling noise at me, like a turkey.

  "'Give me quite a start, you did,' I ses. 'I didn't dream of you beingthere.'

  "'Get off!' he ses, spluttering. 'Get off, afore I tear you limb fromlimb! 'Ow dare you follow me about and come spying round corners at me?Wot d'ye mean by it?'

  "I stood there with my arms folded acrost my chest, as calm as acucumber. The other party stood there watching us, and wot 'e could 'aveseen in her, I can't think. She was dressed more like a man than awoman, and it would have taken the good looks of twenty like her to 'avemade one barmaid. I stood looking at 'er like a man in a dream.

  "'Well, will you know me agin?' she ses, in a nasty cracked sort ofvoice.

  "'I could pick you out of a million,' I ses--'if I wanted to.'

  "'Clear out!' ses the skipper. 'Clear out! And thank your stars there'sa lady present.'

  "'Don't take no notice of 'im, Captain Pratt,' ses the lady. 'He'sbeneath you. You only encourage people like that by taking notice of'em. Good-bye.'

  "She held out her 'and, and while the skipper was shaking it I began towalk back to the wharf. I 'adn't gorn far afore I heard 'im coming upbehind me, and next moment 'e was walking alongside and saying things totry and make me lose my temper.

  "'Ah, it's a pity your pore missis can't 'ear you!' I ses. 'I expect shethinks you are stowed away in your bunk dreaming of 'er, instead ofsaying things about a face as don't belong to you.'

  "'You mind your bisness,' he ses, shouting.