Hate to Love You

  Those shoulders tightened up. “What?” She visibly swallowed. I saw her throat moving.

  “My brother knew. He called me. I called a different frie—someone else.”

  “Had he heard?” Her eyes were so wide, so frightened. She seemed to shrink before me, looking like a frightened little girl.

  Okay. I had to go with complete honesty. That was what I would want. Honest, but kind. “He hadn’t when I’d spoken to him.”

  She closed her eyes, bracing herself.

  “But he had by the time I saw him before class Friday morning.”

  “What class?”

  “My poli-sci class.”

  Her eyes opened, and she was nodding, taking the information in. “And that guy just now, he knows?”

  I answered her again, “He and some others on the team went to the coach. The guy who . . . did that to you wasn’t allowed to suit up today.”

  “I know.” Her voice was so quiet. “I was so worried. I didn’t want to see him, but if I didn’t come to the game, the others would know something was wrong. I had to come.”

  “I don’t know who the guy is. Did he come out on the field? Was he on the sidelines?”

  She shook her head. “No. Thank God for that, right?” A tear formed in her eyes. She wiped at the corner of them with the back of her hands. “That was really nice of them to do that. That isn’t normal, is it?”

  “If I were to guess, no.”

  “Your brother’s been really nice.”

  I frowned.

  She explained further, “He told me he’s there for me, too. Or you. He said you’re all prickly on the outside, but that’s to keep others from hurting your soft gooey inside. You’re all bark, but no bite.”

  “Negative. There’s bite. A lot of bite. I’m a rabid dog, actually.”

  She laughed, wiping at her eyes again. “He said you’d say that but that I shouldn’t believe you. You might snarl at him, but not me, not if I’m hurting.”

  I kicked at the ground. Why did I feel like crying?

  “Um.” She started, but stopped. “I have to know. I mean, not a lot of people are giving me weird looks, but there are some.” Her eyes darted to a group of guys coming up behind us. They were loud, obnoxious, and drunk. She moved closer, lowering her head. “It’s mainly from guys. I’ve just been getting the normal bitchy looks from the girls.”

  I hated being the sponsor-friend. I sucked at this stuff. “The guys know, but it seems like the girls don’t.”

  She didn’t talk, not for a moment. Her eyes remained closed, and she sucked in her breath as the group of guys parted, going around us. I saw a few leer at us, their gazes raking Casey up and down.

  I narrowed my eyes at one, and he stopped.

  He spread his arms out. “What?” He was around five eight, not much taller than I was, but muscular in an athletic way.

  He was the kind who gave the word ‘cocky’ a bad name.

  Casey looked, but seemed to wither in front of me.

  Not me. I raised my chin. This guy was going to try to intimidate me? I started toward him, knowing my eyes were cool. “You’re going to square off against me? Against a girl?”

  His friends had stopped. A few started back.

  One said, “Come on, man.” Another jumped beside him, as if he was going to help him out.

  Oh, no.

  I dealt with this shit in high school.

  This was not going to happen to Casey. Or me. That rabid dog side of me was about to come out, and soon. Damned soon.

  I turned my icy gaze at him, my top lip lifted in a sneer. “My, my. What a man you are. Because clearly, your buddy must need help against words.” I smiled, but it didn’t match what I was feeling. I was pissed. I was seeing red, and right at that moment, I saw a target for the asshole who hurt another girl. No. I saw two targets now. “Your friend must be really dumb.” I swung my gaze to Asshole One. “Are you dumb? Your friend thinks you are.”

  Both bristled, puffing up their chests before sharing a confused look.

  “See.” I pointed between them. “Look at that. You’re not even sure what happened here. A girl started your way, but you guys must only be used to being hit on, right?”

  They shared another look, small grins starting on their faces.

  “Because that must be the only reason a girl would come up to you. It isn’t like they’d find you disgusting or reprehensible or a small hick coward and then have the balls to tell you.” I whispered, leaning forward, “Do the girls you know not tell you the truth? Are they scared of you?” I raised my voice to normal levels again. “You can tell me. Do they only tell you if you were ‘good’?” I winked at Asshole One. “Or maybe you guys are only used to chicks if they’re in either two categories. If they’re ripping their clothes off for you, begging for it.” I glanced down at the front of his jeans, grimaced, and then looked back up. “Or they’re pissed because, well, you guys must’ve not satisfied them. Right? It’s either of those two? But no. Wait. It’s the girl’s fault. Right? It’s never your fault. It isn’t like you’d never ‘not perform.’ Right?”

  Asshole Two shook his head, spreading his hands out. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  “Exactly.” Acid dripped from my voice. I clapped my hands together, holding them in front of me. “Here’s the thing. I’m insulting you. I am being sarcastic, and I’m mocking you guys to your face, and you don’t even know it. And as I’m doing it, you have no idea how to deal with me because I’m smiling and I’m talking like I’m going to bake you fucking cookies. The truth is that if I ever did that, I’d put rat poison in them.”

  I finished, but with a bright cheery smile, and then I waited.

  I didn’t wait long.

  Asshole One charged me.

  Casey screamed.

  There were other shouts around me.

  I didn’t pay attention to Asshole Two. He didn’t seem to have the abusive balls, but Asshole One did, and I grabbed ’em. Literally.

  He ran for me, and I caught his dick in my hand. He jerked to a stop, a choke gurgling from him, and then I squeezed.

  “AH!” He started screaming, trying to dislodge my hand.

  “Holy fuck,” someone said behind us.

  Fun time was over. I wasn’t nice anymore. I wasn’t being sarcastic any longer. I squeezed again, and his entire body shuddered under my hold.

  I clipped out, “You’re going to fucking swing at me? You’re going to hit me? You’re going to shove me to the ground? What were you going to do? Huh?” My voice rose until I was outright yelling.

  He couldn’t talk. His face was turning blue.

  “Look at that.” I pointed to his face with my free hand. “Blue face, instead of blue balls. But assholes like you don’t even get how funny that is because a chick gives you blue balls, too. And here I am, going above and beyond. I’m probably the best you’ve had, right? I gave you blue face. It’s a new thing. No one’s experienced this before.” Okay. The sarcasm was back, but it was definitely still dripping with anger.

  “Hey.”

  I didn’t know who said that, and I didn’t care. I was focused on this asshole as I dropped my voice into a hissing whisper only he could hear. “You must be wondering what kind of deranged chick has your dick in her hand? I must be crazy, right?” Fuck. Maybe I was. “You know what makes me crazy? The fact that you’ve heard what happened to my friend, but instead of looking at how she could’ve been your sister, your girlfriend, even your mother, you walk past her and look at her like she’s a whore.” My fingers sank harder around him, and I was enjoying his curdling screams. “She isn’t a whore. She’s a victim, and you victimized her a second time. So how does it feel? Because I grabbed you against your will. Are you enjoying it?”

  His screams answered me. I still wasn’t done. “And want to know what the most fun part of this whole thing is? I have a defense. You. Rushed. Me. First. You came at me like you were going to hit me, a girl, someone you’l
l never be able to call a whore. Aren’t you so glad you ran into me? Aren’t you?”

  I bit out the last part, and I seriously wanted to rip his dick off. If I could’ve, and if I could’ve not gone to jail for it, it would’ve been moved to my highest priority of the day. Rip a cowardly asshole’s dick off. I’d love to be able to cross that off my list. Done deal. But I couldn’t, because I had to be a better person than him, though I couldn’t think why at that moment.

  I was still squeezing.

  I wasn’t sure if I could let go, until an arm wrapped around my waist and I was lifted away.

  “Hey!” I yelled.

  The person ignored me, dropping me back on my feet. I started forward, but they clamped their hand on my arms, holding me back in an ironclad grasp.

  Asshole One fell onto his knees, moaning, and his forehead rested on the ground. His friends didn’t move. They looked shocked at everything that just happened. Even Asshole Two didn’t go to his friend’s side. His hands were cupped over his junk, and he edged back, glancing at me as if I were going to come for him next.

  Shit. Maybe I should.

  I started forward, but the person yanked me back. He was holding me to his cement-like chest, and I looked up. My protest died in my throat. Shay wasn’t even looking at me. He was watching Asshole One, who was still writhing around on the ground crying.

  He sounded like a feral animal who’d been mortally wounded.

  Good.

  “Let me go,” I said it quietly, and his eyes flicked down to mine. I was back in control. I let him see that.

  He did, and I walked forward.

  I passed Casey, who was frozen in place.

  I walked past Asshole One on the ground.

  I walked past his asshole friends.

  I walked past some blonde girl who was watching me with wide owl-like eyes. They weren’t blinking.

  I walked past everyone else who stopped to watch us.

  I didn’t stop walking until I got to my dorm room, and even there, I walked right past Missy and sat at my desk.

  And I stared ahead, still only seeing red.

  My phone began ringing. I ignored it. I didn’t move, staring at nothing.

  The room’s phone began ringing next, and Missy answered. Her greeting was muffled, a rush of blood in my ears was deafening, but then she tapped my shoulder. She jerked back when I looked at her, pointing to the phone. “You have a phone call. Some guy.”

  It could be Gage. I should find out where he went.

  I nodded, asking, “Can I have some privacy?”

  “Sure. Yeah.” She grabbed her coffee mug, the one she never actually used for coffee. “I was just grabbing this anyway. We’re partying in Holly’s room and might head out to some parties tonight if you want to come along?”

  “Are you going to be gone all night?”

  I wanted to be alone. Too many people in my life, it was becoming a mess. I just shattered my first two rules in the last twenty-four hours. I needed to go back to how prepared and organized I was in my isolation.

  “I can be.”

  “I just need a few hours.”

  “Okay. I get that. Um, I’ll call you from Holly’s room if I come down.”

  “Thanks.” I crossed to her desk and sat down in her chair. The landline was there, and because everyone used cell phones, the college started returning to the phones that had cords. It wasn’t a cordless phone. As soon as Missy offered an awkward wave, slipping from the room, I lifted the receiver to my ear. “Hello?”

  “You okay?”

  Shay, not Gage.

  “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” It wasn’t him. For once, I knew the real culprits were Asshole One, the guy who raped Casey, and all the other assholes who thought they could treat women like that. I knew my rage had ascended DEFCON level, but my voice was ice cold, and I was a shell of a person.

  The rage was banked inside. My outside looked completely calm.

  Even I got the chills from me.

  “Come on, Clarke.”

  “Look.” Okay. I relaxed a tiny bit. Some emotion seeped back into my voice, I was becoming normal again. It wasn’t his fault that emotion was frustration. “I’m fine. Thank you for pulling me off before I did any permanent damage and the weasel could’ve sued me.”

  “This is how you’re going to play it? You went psycho on that guy. I’m not saying he didn’t deserve it, but your reaction was . . .”

  I laughed. It sounded dull even to my ears. “You’re choosing your words now? Is this a new part of our fucked-up hatred for each other? You never held back before,” I bit out. “Why now?”

  “Because I don’t want you to rip my dick off next time.”

  “Don’t!” I clasped my eyes closed, holding the phone so tight against my ear. “First rule is we don’t talk about it.”

  “I came out there because there’s a video of what you did. It got sent in an email to a bunch of guys, and Linde showed it to me. He said he’d been talking to you a few minutes earlier, and you were fine, but when I got out there, you were unhinged.” He softened his tone. “Look, I get it.”

  No. He didn’t. He was a guy. He wouldn’t get it.

  He kept on. “I’m calling to make sure you’re okay, okay? I’m trying to be a fucking decent human right now.”

  He made it too easy. A bitter smile formed, and I looked at my reflection. Missy kept a mirror by her computer, and I saw why he was concerned. I was still looking the rageful robot chick, but that girl didn’t want kindness right now.

  I said, “Don’t. We’re not friends. There’s no reason you need to call me. We’re classmates. We’re working on a project together, and we made out once. It won’t happen again. Don’t mistake a few heavy moans for a newfound liking of you. I hated you on the first day of class, and trust me, that never thawed.”

  I hung up and expelled a ragged breath.

  He was being a fucking decent human? Fuck him. I didn’t need his kindness or his concern. I didn’t need the moments when he’d show up to mess with me, or bring me coffee and ask me to sit in his Jeep with him. Those moments might’ve messed with another girl’s head, but not me.

  He was another Parker. I’d just forgotten for a brief second.

  I wouldn’t again.

  Gage should’ve called by now, but I wasn’t in the mood to sit and twiddle my thumbs.

  Not wanting to get up and grab my cell, I dialed his number from the landline.

  He answered, and I didn’t hold back. “You ditched me at the football game, then sat with my friends, and where’d you disappear to afterward? If you’re all about Casey, do you realize the looks she was getting? It was like Assholes Abound, Come on Board.” My voice went up. I was close to hysteria here. “And if you want to know what happened, there’s a video of it going around.”

  “I just saw it.”

  He didn’t sound like he cared. I barked out a laugh. “Right. I get that you might not care what I did, but I’d think you would’ve cared about what Casey went through.”

  “Spare me the lecture.”

  “Yeah. Okay. Consider it spared.” I started to hang up, but he spoke again, stopping me.

  “I’m standing outside your dorm, wondering if I should chance your wrath to come and check on you, or just leave you alone. I never have any clue which way to go with you, and I get it. You got a bad hand, more than a few because of Blake and me, but fuck, Kenz. You looked mental in that video.”

  The second person to say that within a few minutes. I held my tongue. He had some valid points.

  “Others aren’t going to see your rage, but I did. I—” He sighed into the phone, “It took me back. Okay? I didn’t realize how much