Eighteen Stories With A Touch Of Humor, Page 2

No one had gotten hurt although there had been a great many encounters of the bird kind.

  4-The Pest

  George loved to drink tea. He would come to visit and stay for several cups. He had an insatiable thirst for tea. Eventually, George became such a pest that we decided to "fix him." In order to cure him of all desire for tea, we decided to drown him with the stuff. One day, when he came over, we goaded him into drinking ten pots of tea. As he staggered off, we all laughed at how clever we had been in putting ten pots of tea in a tea pest.

  5-An Annoying Ringing

  On the hour, every hour, Fred would tap his knuckles with a mallet. This would cause a loud bonging sound. They after day, he did this, and when people couldn't stand it any longer, they signed a petition demanding that Fred stop ringing his hands!

  6-The Coffee Plantation

  When in South America, I enjoy visiting my friend, Pedro Gonzales. He owns a superb coffee plantation. Whenever I visit Pedro, he loves to take me across his coffee grounds.

  7-The Stone Faces

  One of the great stone faces on Mount Rushmore was slipping. Some sort of wedge had to be found in a hurry to stop the slippage until repairs could be made. Nothing they tried worked until one of the workers brought a huge grandfather clock. The case was made of solid oak. This item was used to stop the slippage and it was done just in the neck of time. It was fortunate indeed that a clock had been found that could stop a face.

  8-The Space Kid

  In early experiments with space travel, they put a two-year-old child in a spaceship and sent it whirling around the world. The toddler didn't like the experience and cried all the way. Everyone who had a radio could hear him cry and felt sorry for him. To this day, this kid is referred to as the tot who was heard around the world.

  9-Where Is One When You Need It?

  He was a cowpoke and an amateur inventor. One time he invented a cowboy boot with a phone built into the heel. He felt that now he would always have a phone nearby, no matter what emergency might arise. He made several of these devices in various styles and stashed them all over his house. One day an emergency came up. He needed a phone real bad. But, would you believe it? When he needed it most, he couldn't find a single telephone boot.

  10-Who Will Wear Them?

  The buyer for a colony of bees buzzed off to a fashion show and purchased a lot of new clothes for the bees in the hive. The bee made terrible choices and none of the other bees would wear the clothing. "Oh, who will where these new clothes? Who will wear them?" lamented the bee who had done their purchasing. "Left the buyer bee wear!" responded the other bees in unison.

  11-Plastic Surgery

  The doctor was famous for plastic surgery. I went to see him. He took me into his private salon where there were samples of body parts including lips, ears, shins, etc. And there were lots of customers examining them. One person was deciding what kind of chin he needed, another was looking at ears. In a corner of the room, I saw a person surreptitiously picking his nose.

  12-Maybe Just A Little One

  They were walking through the woods in Holland. "Gretchen, can I have a kiss," he asked. "No, Hans," she replied. They walked a little more and he repeated his request. "No, Hans," she said. Suddenly, she stumbled and her shoe came off. He picked it up. "Wooden shoe?" he asked. "Well," she answered, "now that I've thought it over, maybe just a tiny little kiss."

  13-Quitting It

  Albert had heard that turkey meat is a good food for losing weight. It's nutritious, low in calories, tastes good, etc. But it has to be ice cold in order to work. He tried the diet for six months but didn't lose an ounce; in fact, he gained weight. Finally, one morning, Albert was heard to exclaim in disgust, "this diet doesn't work! As of today, I quit cold turkey."

  14-The Ghosts

  All the ghosts in the world were having a conference at Spooky Hollow Hotel in the Catskills. Most of the guests were going around taking ghastly pictures of each other. One ghost asked a friend to take a picture of him. "I'd love to take a picture of you," the friend replied, "but my camera's battery is running down. The spirit is willing but the flash is weak!"

  15-Taking The Groan Away

  He told dreadful puns, which usually elicited groans from his listeners. The louder people groaned, the better he liked it. After a while, the populace took to calling him "groan man." Ultimately, the awful pun-telling got so bad there was no choice but to surgically remove the pun center from his brain. This was done. He took it hard and wept bitterly. Truly, the ordeal had been enough to make a groan man cry.

  16-Being Sad

  This morning I was in the dumps. The fact is that I had been in the dumps all week. There was nothing good happening at all. I was very sad. A change was due. Then, suddenly, it happened! While I was in the dumps, I found a refrigerator and a range that were in pretty good shape and took them home! Finally, I had found something good while I had been in the dumps!

  17-The Famous General

  The famous General died and was cremated. It was desire to take his ashes to a prestigious cemetery for burial. There was to be a ceremony where the president of the United States was to speak. On the appointed date, it was found that there were no planes with which to transport the ashes. Something had to be done. At the last minute, someone thought of using a helicopter. One was found and the day was saved. Someone should have thought of the helicopter sooner for it is well-known that the early bird gets the urn.

  18-Reincarnation

  I believe in reincarnation. I've experienced it myself. Once I was a bird; another time, a goat. I'm a human now and elderly. I'm due for another transformation. There are signs indicating this will happen soon. Lately, I've taken to the grassy hills and have enjoyed running around. I haven't had so much fun since I was a kid!

  19-Why Wasn't It Eaten?

  I opened the package of chocolate chips and was about to sink my teeth into one when it cried out, "don't eat me!" I was so startled, I dropped the cookie. I picked it up and was about to bite into it, when again, it exclaimed, "don't eat me!" As before, I dropped it. This happened over and over until, finally, I put the chocolate chip back in the box. I never did eat it. Now, wasn't that a smart cookie?

  20-Wintertime traveling

  I used to be afraid of driving on ice. Last year I solve the problem. I bought a car with four-wheel drive. From that time, I was no longer afraid of ice. I have to admit I was also afraid of walking on ice. It took some ingenuity to solve this problem. Being an amateur inventor, I made a pair of boots that had two heels on each foot. When there is ice on the ground, I wear them. Now, I'm always safe because these boots give me four-heel drive.

  21-Space Travelers

  Speaking of unidentified flying objects, a fleet of tiny spaceships arrived recently from Mars. The ships and their crews were so small that they were able to make headquarters on the handle of an axe. The little group of explorers was spotted by a child who decided to capture them with a butterfly net. She rushed to the scene in order to do this but was just a few seconds too late. Just as she arrived, she found that the space travelers were flying off the handle.

  22-The Gift

  It was my birthday. There was a surprise party, gifts, and a huge cake in the middle of the room. I saw that the cake had a hinged top and, therefore, I expected that it would open and a beautiful girl would step out. Suddenly, the top began to move and I waited with great expectation. However, instead of a girl, a gentleman, elegantly dressed in a tuxedo, came out. He raised a glass and said, "Happy Birthday to you, sir!" It was all right, I suppose. The party and gifts were nice. But I was a little disappointed in the pop-up toaster.

  23-Butter Substitute

  It was a company that produced a truly superior product as a butter substitute. Unfortunately, the company went under some time ago when it received an order for ninety thousand pounds of the stuff. One of the employees had made a mistake in the preparation and much of the order could not be delivered promptly. The error w
as fatal because the company had not allowed enough margarine for error.

  24-Naming The Season

  Few people know that a time of the year was named in honor of Pocahontas. She was famous, of course, for having saved the life of John Smith. But there is more to the story. She was a wizard at adding numbers. She could add with amazing speed. This was discovered on an unusually mild November day in 1620. From that time, in her honor, a warm spell in November became known as Indian Summer.

  A Rolls With ESP

  “When I jingle, I expect you to jangle!” His tone was harsh, not at all consistent with the manner an auto, even a Rolls Royce, should speak to its owner.

  This was Henry, the Rolls speaking. I had purchased him in 1940 when I had become suddenly wealthy. Now, instead of my owning him, he had the gall to order me around!

  This is a true story but I can’t use the names of actual people, places, and things. I’m 99. In 1938, at age 21, I wrote a book called Gone with the Windlass which had caught the imagination of the English-speaking world. It sold countless millions of copies and I became wealthy overnight beyond my most unrestrained