If There's No Tomorrow, Page 8

  That was all I needed to do. Once I got there, I could curl up in bed and sob like an angry baby.

  Sebastian turned the Jeep on and the engine rumbled to life. The radio kicked in, a low hum of words I couldn’t make out.

  “We’re...we’re okay, right?” he asked, his voice strained.

  “Yeah,” I said hoarsely, and cleared my throat. “Of course.”

  Sebastian didn’t respond, and for a few seconds I could feel his gaze on me. I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t, because there was a good chance I would start crying.

  He shifted the Jeep into Drive and pulled off onto the road.

  What in the world had I been thinking? Never once had I acted on anything I felt for Sebastian. For the most part, I played it cool. But now I’d kissed him.

  I wanted to rewind time.

  I wanted to rewind time to feel those brief seconds again because I was never going to get the chance to feel that again.

  I wanted to rewind time and not kiss him, because it had been a big, huge mistake.

  I knew that our friendship, our relationship, would never be the same.

  * * *

  By Wednesday morning, my temples ached and my eyes hurt, but I actually hadn’t cried yet. I thought I would, especially when I’d barely been able to force down the bread-and-onion-filled meatballs at dinner last night. Mom had noticed, but I sidestepped her questions by saying I wasn’t feeling well after the early practice in the morning. Later I couldn’t even read. I just lay in bed, curled on my side, and stared at the balcony doors, pathetically waiting for him to show up, for him to text—for something. Anything. And there was nothing.

  Normally that wouldn’t have been a big deal. We didn’t talk every day during the summer. But after what had happened at the lake? It was different.

  The burning in my throat and the stinging in my eyes were there, but the tears never fell. Sometime in the middle of the night, I realized I hadn’t cried since...since everything with Dad. Somehow that made me want to cry even more. Why couldn’t I let myself cry?

  All I managed to do was give myself one hell of a headache.

  Thank God I didn’t have practice on Thursday, because I would’ve ended up with another well-deserved lecture. After Mom left, I crawled back in bed and stared at the cracked ceiling, replaying everything from the lake, right up to the moment things went south.

  The moment I kissed Sebastian.

  Part of me wanted to just pretend it didn’t happen. That had worked before.

  I still pretended my Dad didn’t exist.

  But when I woke up on Thursday morning after no late-night visits from Sebastian and no missed texts, I knew I had to talk to someone. I didn’t know what to do or how to handle this, and it wasn’t likely to suddenly come to me. So I’d texted the girls that morning, saying I needed to talk to them. I knew they’d understand the urgency when they saw I didn’t give a reason.

  Abbi and Megan came as soon as they could, and I knew Dary would’ve, too, if she’d been in town.

  Megan sat on my bed, her long legs tucked under her and her blond hair loose, falling over her shoulders. Abbi was in my computer chair, looking like me—like she just rolled out of bed and grabbed a pair of oversize sweats and a tank top.

  I’d already given them the rundown of what had happened, assisted by the package of Oreos Megan had brought along. I may have eaten three or five while I talked. Okay, ten. Even so, I was still planning on murdering the leftover spaghetti and meatballs after they left.

  “I just want to say, I’ve always known you had a crush on Sebastian,” Megan announced.

  I opened my mouth, not sure how her weekly lecture about finding my future baby daddy could have anything to do with me having a crush on Sebastian.

  Megan continued, “Since I’ve suspected you’ve had a huge obsession with him for a while now, I kept giving you my weekly lecture in hopes you’d admit it.”

  I did not understand her thought process. At all.

  “Obviously, I guessed it, too,” Abbi said. “I mean, the last we talked, I even said something.”

  “It’s no big surprise you broke up with Andre,” Megan added. “You wanted to really, really like Andre, but you couldn’t, because you really, really like Sebastian.”

  True. I had wanted to really like Andre, and I had liked him. It just... My heart wasn’t there, and it was probably the dumbest reason ever for sleeping with him, but I thought that if we took our relationship to the next level, then maybe it would change how I felt. It hadn’t and that had been the wake-up call to end the relationship.

  I started walking back and forth in front of the closet. “Why didn’t you guys say something if it was that obvious?”

  “Figured you didn’t want to talk about it,” Megan said with a shrug.

  Abbi nodded. “You don’t like to talk about anything, really.”

  I wanted to deny that, but...it was true. So damn true. I was the same way with Sebastian. I was a listener, not a talker. I could spend hours thinking about something but never giving voice to any of the thoughts.

  “But let’s move past that for now. I’m so confused,” Megan said. “You said he made this noise—and I know what kind of noise you’re talking about. And that he held you. Kind of sounds like he was into it.”

  My hands opened and closed at my sides. Full of restlessness, I continued to pace in front of my bed. “I don’t get it either. I mean, I really don’t know what I was thinking. Everything was fine. He was being his normal self and we were fooling around—”

  “Fooling around?” Megan asked, and when I shot her a look, she threw up her hands. “Look, I’m just trying to make sure I have the full picture here.”

  “Not the way you’re thinking,” I replied, rubbing my temples. “I went to hit him on the arm, you know, just being stupid, and he caught my wrist. The next thing I knew, I was in his lap and we were...just staring at one another.”

  “And that’s when you kissed him?” Abbi crossed her legs. “Just one kiss?”

  Covering my face with my hands, I nodded. “It was just a quick kiss on the lips. I’m not sure you could even consider it a kiss, really.”

  “Quick or not, a kiss is a kiss,” Abbi said.

  “I don’t know about that.” Megan dug out an Oreo from the package beside her. “There are different levels of kissing. There’s a quick peck on the lips, and then there’s a longer closed-mouth one, and then there’s—Wait, why am I explaining different kisses to you two? No one in this room is a member of the hymen parade. You know the different types of kissing.”

  “Oh my God,” I groaned, dropping my arms.

  Abbi rolled her eyes as she shook her head. “I can’t even with you most of the time, but hymen parade? That’s... There are no words.”

  After popping the entire cookie in her mouth, Megan talked around it. “So you kissed him briefly, no tongue, and then freaked out?”

  I started pacing again. “Yes. That’s about it.”

  She picked up her napkin and wiped the little black crumbs off her lips. “Did he kiss you back?”

  “No,” I whispered. “I thought he was going to, but he didn’t.”

  Abbi raised her eyebrows. “What did he do? Just lie there? While you were in his lap?”

  Cringing, I nodded again. “Pretty much.”

  The girls exchanged looks, and Megan went for another cookie. “I’m not exactly surprised you kissed him. Not when you’ve been lusting after him since you realized boys had a pe—”

  “I know when I started liking him more than just a friend,” I cut in. “I don’t even know what happened exactly.”

  “Probably because you were cataloging every second instead of actually experiencing it.” Abbi leaned back in my chair. “That’s what you usually do. Overthinking and obsessing while something amazing is happening.”

  I wanted to deny that, too, but she was right. I did that. A lot. “Maybe that happened, but seriously, can we pick anoth
er time to point out my character flaws?”

  Abbi flashed a brief grin. “Sure.”

  “Maybe you just caught him off guard,” Megan said. “That could be why he freaked out.”

  “You think that’s the reason?”

  “Maybe. I mean, you guys have been just friends forever. Even if he’s into you, it probably caught him off guard.” She brushed her hair over her shoulder. “Did you say anything to him afterward? Wait, don’t even answer that. I already know. You said nothing.”

  My lips pursed.

  She lifted her hands. “I’m not trying to be ignorant. I’m just pointing out if you didn’t do anything or say anything, there’s a chance he thinks that you think you made a mistake.” She glanced over at Abbi. “Right?”

  “Well...” Abbi leaned into the arm of the computer chair. “Okay. You know I love you, right?”

  Oh, this was going someplace I wasn’t going to like. “Yeah?”

  “I’m just going to throw something out there. Just something to consider,” she said, clearly choosing her words very carefully. “You kissed Sebastian. Let’s assume it wasn’t just a friendly kiss. Like, let’s leave kissing on the mouth to people interested in being more than friends.”

  “Agreed,” Megan chimed in. “Because that would just be super confusing.”

  “So you kissed him and he knows it’s not because you like him as a friend. There are two possibilities. One being what Megan said—he was caught off guard and just reacted weird and is now hiding in a corner somewhere.”

  I couldn’t picture Sebastian hiding in a corner over anything.

  “Second option is that you kissed him and he didn’t think that felt right. And when it got awkward, he got away as quickly as possible. Now he’s hoping you forget about it.”

  Ouch.

  I walked over to the balcony doors. “Like he wished I hadn’t done it?”

  “Well, okay...” She bit down on her lower lip. “He’s not with anyone. Neither are you.” Abbi’s voice was soft as she continued. “You both have a ton in common. You’re both attractive—”

  “I’d do you,” commented Megan.

  “Thanks,” I said, laughing hoarsely.

  “And you both know so much about each other. I just have to think that if you kissed him and he realized he really liked that and wanted that, he would’ve kissed you back. Or he would’ve said something other than that it shouldn’t have happened.”

  Chest squeezing, I pulled the curtain back and peered outside. A breeze stirred the limbs on the ancient maple.

  Abbi had a point. Sebastian had said it shouldn’t have happened.

  “Because there really isn’t a reason for you two to not be together,” she added. “And I have to think that if he was into you...he wouldn’t have said it shouldn’t have happened.”

  Acids churned in my stomach and the hurt spread inside. How could it feel so real, like my chest was being cracked open? I drew in a shaky breath. “What should I do?” I let the curtain fall back in place and faced them.

  Megan’s fair brows rose. “I would’ve already texted him and asked him what the hell was up.”

  Trepidation exploded in my gut as I considered doing that. “I might be too much of a coward for that technique.”

  “You’re not a coward, Lena,” Abbi reassured me. “I get why you haven’t. He’s one of your closest friends. This is super tricky.”

  Tricky didn’t even cover it.

  “I think it’s probably smart if you do say something,” Abbi continued. “Maybe just text him and ask if everything is okay. That is pretty low-key.”

  Even thinking about doing that made me want to hurl. “I feel like an idiot.”

  Megan frowned. “Why?”

  “Because...because I shouldn’t even be focused on this stuff.” I walked over to the bed and plopped down next to Megan. I fished out another cookie, but my throat thickened with that burn again. “I mean, there are more important things I could be stressed over.”

  “Like what?” Megan challenged. “World peace? Politics? The nation’s debt? I don’t know. I’m sure there is more stuff. You watch the news. I don’t even know what channel the news comes on.”

  Smiling faintly, I shook my head. “I should be thinking about my senior year. I have almost all AP classes this year and our volleyball schedule is going to be brutal. I need to get scholarships—”

  “You know what, that’s all bullshit.” Megan twisted toward me, her cheeks flushing red. “So what? You’re thinking about a guy and talking to us about a guy. I know you think about other things. Abbi knows that. You don’t need to walk around all day long talking about all the serious important things to prove you’re not boy crazy. And screw the whole ‘oh my God, she’s boy crazy’ thing, because we can’t win. Us girls. We can’t.”

  “Oh no.” Abbi grinned. “Someone’s about to rant.”

  “Damn straight I am. See, if we think about guys, other people—usually other girls, because let’s be real, girls can be bitches—say we’re shallow. We’re not well-rounded, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. And if we say we don’t worry about a guy that we like, then we’re accused of lying. Or being weird. And if we focus on other things, then we’re pretentious. We literally cannot win. It’s like we’re not allowed to have feelings or think about our feelings. It’s bullshit.”

  “I don’t say this often,” Abbi said seriously, “but she has a point.”

  “Of course I do!” She threw up her hands. “And all that could still be said about girls who like girls. Just flip boy crazy with girl crazy. It’s messed up. You think about what’s going on with Sebastian because he’s important to you, but so is school and volleyball, so is work and, yeah, even the nation’s debt.”

  I laughed.

  Megan drew in a deep breath. “I like thinking about boys, Phillip in particular, and I’m actually smarter than most people, especially those people who’d call me boy crazy. I can think about boys all I freaking want and still have a life outside of doing so, so screw that. Don’t get down on yourself because, for right now, you’re focused on what is important to you at this moment in your life. That happens to be a guy. Tomorrow it could be something else.”

  Staring at her, sort of shocked, I started to smile. “Wow, Megan. I kind of want to have you repeat that whole rant and record it.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Don’t, because it won’t be as good the second time around.”

  Abbi rolled her chair over to us. “I’m going to say it again—Megan’s right.”

  I flopped backward on the bed, almost landing on the package of Oreos. I stared up at the ceiling as the tightness in my chest eased a little. Sadness still lingered like a shadow, as did a whole truckload of confusion over Sebastian, but it had lessened. Because of them. Because of my girlfriends. “Guys,” I said, “I actually feel a little better. That means I may not eat all seven leftover meatballs while curled up on the couch, sobbing.”

  Abbi coughed out a laugh. “That’s good to hear.”

  “Can I have a meatball?” Megan asked, nudging my arm with her hand. “I feel like I could use some meat with all the sugar I just consumed.”

  Abbi sighed.

  “Okay. I’m about to sound super cheesy,” I warned, not moving. “But we’re going to be best friends forever, aren’t we? Because I have a feeling this won’t be my only episode of pure, unedited stupidity.”

  Megan giggled. “That was cheesy, but yes, yes, we are.”

  “Don’t forget Dary,” Abbi said, knocking her foot against mine. “The four of us will always be the four of us. No matter what.”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  After the girls left, I picked up my phone and walked out to the balcony. Leaning over the railing, I looked over at Sebastian’s house. I could see his mom out in the yard, on her knees, digging in the dirt. She was wearing one of those floppy straw hats, and only a few wisps of brown hair were visible.

  Her entire body shook as she
jabbed the spade into the landscaping surrounding their patio. Several bright blue and red peonies were still in their cartons beside her. My gaze flipped to their brick patio, and their fire pit sat in the middle. It hadn’t fallen apart like ours had.

  Sebastian’s mom was quiet. Out of all the years I’d known him,