Perkins of Portland: Perkins The Great

  Produced by David Widger

  PERKINS OF PORTLAND

  PERKINS THE GREAT

  By Ellis Parker Butler

  BOSTON HERBERT B. TURNER & CO. 1906

  I. MR. PERKINS OF PORTLAND

  THERE was very little about Perkins that was not peculiar. To mentionhis peculiarities would be a long task; he was peculiar from the groundup. His shoes had rubber soles, his hat had peculiar mansard ventilatorson each side, his garments were vile as to fit, and altogether he hadthe appearance of being a composite picture.

  We first met in the Golden Hotel office in Cleveland, Ohio. I wasreading a late copy of a morning paper and smoking a very fairish sortof cigar, when a hand was laid on my arm. I turned and saw in the chairbeside me a beaming face.

  "Just read that!" he said, poking an envelope under my nose. "No, no!"he cried; "on the back of it."

  What I read was:

  "Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster Makes all pains and aches fly faster."

  "Great, isn't it?" he asked, before I could express myself. "That firstline, 'Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster,' just takes the cake. And thelast line! That is a gem, if I do say it myself. Has the whole story inseven words. 'All pains and aches!' Everything from sore feet tobackache; all the way from A to Z in the dictionary of diseases.Comprehensive as a presidential message. Full of meat as a refrigerator-car. 'Fly faster!' Faster than any other patent med. or dope would makethem fly. 'Makes!' They've got to fly! See? 'Perkins's Patent PorousPlaster MAKES all pains and aches fly faster,' 'makes ALL pains andaches fly faster,' 'makes all pains and aches fly FASTER.' Isn't she abeaut.? Say, you can't forget that in a thousand years. You'll findyourself saying it on your death-bed:

  "'Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster Makes all pains and aches fly faster.'"

  I held the envelope toward him, but he only tapped it with his finger.

  "There is a fortune in those two lines," he said. "I know it I'mPerkins, known from Maine to California as Perkins of Portland, Perkinsthe Originator. I have originated more ads. than any man living. Seethat shoe? It's the 'Go-lightly' kind. I originated the term. See thishat? It's Pratt's. 'Pratt's Hats Air the Hair.' I originated that ad.Result, six million pair of the Go-lightly kind of shoes sold the firstyear. Eight million Pratt's Hats sold on the strength of 'Air-the-Hair.'See this suit? I originated the term 'Ready-tailored.' Result, a boomfor the concern. Everybody crazy for Ready-tailored clothes. It's all inthe ad. The ad.'s the thing. Say, who originated 'up-to-date in style,down-to-date in price?' I did. Made half a million for a collar concernon that. See that fringe on those pants? And to think that the man who'swearing them has made millions! Yes, millions--for other guys. But he'sdone. It's all off with Willie. Now Willie is going to make money forhimself. Mr. Perkins of Portland is going to get rich. Are you withhim?"

  "How is the plaster?" I asked, for there was something taking aboutPerkins. "Is it good for anything?"

  "Plaster!" he said. "Bother the plaster! The ad.'s all right, and that'sthe main thing. Give me a good ad., and I'll sell lead bullets forliver pills. Display 'Perkins's Bullets Kill the Disease' in all themagazines, and in a year every person with or without a liver would beas full of lead as a printer's case. Paint it on ten thousand barns, andthe inhabitants of these glorious States would be plugged up like MarkTwain's frog. Now I have here an ad. that is a winner. Give me fiftythousand dollars, and we will have every man, woman, and child inAmerica dreaming, thinking, and wearing Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster.We will have it in every magazine, on every barn, fence, and rock, inthe street-cars, on highways and byways, until the refrain will ring insixty million American heads--

  "'Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster Makes all pains and aches fly faster."

  "But, my dear sir," I said, "is the plaster good?"

  Mr. Perkins of Portland leaned over and whispered in my ear, "There isno plaster."

  "What?" I cried.

  "Not yet," he said, "that will come later. We will get that later. Lawof supply and demand, you know. When there is a demand, there alwaysturns up a supply to fill it. See the point? You look bright. See this.We advertise. Get, say, fifty thousand orders at ten dollars each;total, five hundred thousand dollars. What next? We sell out. We go tosome big concern. 'Here,' we say--'Here is an article advertised up tothe handle. Here are orders for five hundred thousand dollars' worth.Thing on the boom. Give us two hundred thousand cash, and get up yourold plaster, and fill the orders. Thanks. Good day.' See? They get awell-established business. We get a clear profit of one hundred andfifty thousand. What next? We get up another ad. Invest our wholecapital. Sell out for a million. Invest again, sell out again. In tenyears we can buy Manhattan Island for our town-seat and Chicago for ourcountry-seat. The richest firm in the world--Perkins and--"

  "Brown," I said, supplying the blank; "but I haven't fifty thousanddollars, nor yet ten thousand."

  "What have you got?" he asked, eagerly. "Just five thousand."

  "Done!" Perkins cried.

  And the next day we had the trade-mark registered, and had madecontracts with all the Cleveland papers.

  "You see," said Perkins, "we are shy of money. We can't bill theuniverse with a measly little five thou. We've got to begin small. Ourterritory is Ohio. Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster shall be known toevery Buckeye, and we will sell out for twenty thousand."

  So we soon had the words,

  "Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster Makes all pains and aches fly faster,"

  on the fences and walls throughout Ohio. Every paper proclaimed thesame catchy couplet. One or two magazines informed the world of it. Thebill-boards heralded it. In fact, Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster wasin everybody's mouth, and bade fair to be on everybody's back as soon asthere was a Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster to put on those same backs.

  For Perkins was right. The backs seemed fairly to ache for plasters ofour making. From all over the State druggists wrote for terms; and wesoon kept two typewriters busy informing the anxious pharmacists that,owing to the unprecedented demand, our factory was two months behind onorders, and that "your esteemed favor will have our earliest attention,and all orders will be filled in rotation at the earliest possiblemoment." Each day brought a deluge of letters, and we received severalquite unsolicited testimonials to the merits of Perkins's Patent PorousPlaster. Perkins was radiant.

  Then he faded.

  He set out to sell the trade-mark, and failed! No one wanted it. Moneywas tight, and patent medicines were a drug.

  Porous Plasters were dead. Perkins was worried. Day followed day; andthe orders began to decrease, while countermands began to arrive. Wehad just two hundred dollars left, and bills for four thousand dollars'worth of advertisements on our file. At last Perkins gave up. Hecame in, and leaned despondently against my desk. Sorrow marked everyfeature.

  "No use," he said, dolefully, "they won't bite. We have to do it."

  "What?" I asked; "make an assignment?"

  "Nonsense!" cried Perkins. "Fill those orders ourselves!"

  "But where can we get--"

  "The plasters?" Perkins scratched his head. He repeated softly, "Makesall pains and aches fly faster," and swung one foot sadly. "That's it,"he said; "where?"

  The situation was becoming acute. We must have plasters quickly or fail.A look of sadness settled on his face, and he dropped limply into achair. Instantly he sprang to his feet with a yell. He grasped the tailof his coat and tugged and struggled. He had sat on a sheet of stickyfly-paper, and he was mad, but even while he struggled with it, hiseyes brightened, and he suddenly darted out of the office door, with thefly-paper rattling behind him.

  In two hours he
returned. He had a punch such as harness-makers use topunch holes in straps, a pair of scissors, and a smile as broad as hisface was long.

  "They will be here in ten minutes!" he cried. "Sit right down and writeto all of our ad. mediums to hold that ad. for a change. In one year wewill buy the soldiers' monument for a paper-weight, and purchase EuclidAvenue for a bowling-alley! Get off your coat. I've ordered fiftythousand paper boxes, one hundred thousand labels, and two hundredthousand plasters. The first lot of boxes will be here to-morrow, andthe first batch of labels to-night. The plasters will be here in fiveminutes. It's a wonder I didn't think of it when I wrote the ad. The newad. will sell two plasters to every one the old one sold."

  "Where in thunder--" I began.

  "At the grocery, of course," he cried, as if it were the most naturalplace to find porous plasters. "I bought every wholesale grocer in townout of 'em. Cleaned them plump up. I've got enough to fill all orders,and some over. The finest in the land. Stick closer than a brother,'feel good, are good,' as I wrote for a stocking concern. Stay on untilthey wear off."

  He was right. The trucks soon began to arrive with the cases. They werepiled on the walk twenty high, they were piled in the street, we piledour office full, and put some in the vacant room across the hall. Therewere over a thousand cases of sticky fly-paper.

  We cut the sheets into thirds, and sprinkled a little cayenne pepper onthe sticky side with a pepper-shaker, and then punched holes in them.Later we got a rubber stamp, and printed the directions for use oneach; but we had no time for that then. When the boxes began to arrive,Perkins ran down and gathered in three newsboys, and constituted themour packing force. By the end of the week we had our orders all filled.

  And our plasters stuck! None ever stuck better. They stuck forever. Theywouldn't peel off, they wouldn't wash off, they wouldn't scrape off.When one wore off, it left the stickiness there; and the victim hadto buy another to paste on top of the old one before he could put on ashirt. It was a huge success.

  We changed our ad. to read:

  "Perkins's Paper Porous Plaster Makes all pains and aches fly faster,"

  and branched out into the magazines. We sent a to Europe, and nowsome of the crowned heads are wearing our plasters. You all rememberStoneley's account of meeting a tribe of natives in the wilds of Africawearing nothing but Perkins's Paper Porous Plasters, and recall thecelebrated words of Rodriguez Velos, second understudy to the Premier ofSpain, "America is like Perkins's Paper Porous Plasters--a thing not tobe sat on."

  30]

  Five months ago we completed our ten-story factory, and increasedour capital stock to two millions; and those to whom we offered thetrade-mark in our early days are green with regret. Perkins is abroadnow in his private yacht. Queer old fellow, too, for he still insists onwearing the Go-lightly shoes and the Air-the-Hair hat, in spite of thefact that he hasn't enough hair left to make a miniature paint-brush.

  I asked him before he left for his cruise when he was from,--Portland,Me., or Portland, Oreg.,--and he laughed.

  "My dear boy," he said, "it's all in the ad. 'Mr. Perkins of Portland'is a phrase to draw dollars. I'm from Chicago. Get a phrase built like awatch, press the button, and the babies cry for it."

  That's all. But in closing I might remark that if you ever have anytrouble with a weak back, pain in the side, varicose veins, heavysensation in the chest, or, in fact, any ailment whatever, just rememberthat

  Perkins's Paper Porous Plaster Make all pains and aches fly faster.