The Great American Pie Company

  Produced by David Widger

  THE GREAT AMERICAN PIE COMPANY

  By Ellis Parker Butler

  Author Of "Pigs Is Pigs"

  Illustrated By Will Crawford

  New York Mcclure, Phillips & Co. MCMVII

  Copyright 1904 by The Century Co.

  CHAPTER ONE

  If you take a pie and cut it in two, the track of your knife willrepresent the course of Mud River through the town of Gloning, and thatpart of the pie to the left of your knife will be the East Side, whilethe part to the right will be the West Side. Away out on the edge of thepie, where the town fritters away into the fields and shanties on theEast Side, dwells Mrs. Deacon, and a fatter, better-natured creaturenever trod the crust of the earth or made the crust of a pie. Beingin reduced circumstances, owing to the inability of Mr. Deacon toappreciate the beneficial effects of work, Mrs. Deacon turned herfamous baking ability to account, and in a small way began selling herexcellent homemade pies to those who liked a superior article. Intime Mrs. Deacon established a considerable trade among the people ofGloning, and Mr. Deacon was wrested from his customary seat on the backsteps to make daily delivery trips with the Deacon home-made pies.

  Ephraim Deacon was a deep thinker and philosopher. He was above hisenvironment, or at least he felt so, and while waiting for opportunityto approach and give his talents full vent he scorned labor. So he sataround a good deal, and jawed a good deal, and smoked.

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  But if you will return to your plate of Gloning you will see on the pie,far over on the West Side, where the scallops lap over the edge of theplate, a little spot that is burned a bit too brown. This is the homeof Mrs. Phineas Doolittle, as base and servile an imitator as everinfringed on another person's monopoly. For, seeing and hearing of thesuccess of Mrs. Deacon's pies, Mrs. Doolittle put a few extra pieces ofhickory in her stove, got out her rolling-pin, and became a competitor,even to making Mr. Doolittle deliver her pies. The Deacon pies had soldreadily at ten cents; three for a quarter. The Doolittle pie entered thefield at eight cents; three for twenty cents.

  Mrs. Deacon stood this as long as possible, and then she decided tostand it no longer--unless she had to. "Eph, you good-for-nothin' lazyanimal," she remarked to her husband one morning, as she started himon his rounds, "if you was a man, I'd send you over to talk to thatDoolittle woman; but you ain't, so it ain't no use sendin' you. But ifyou meet up with that lazy, good-for-nothin' husband of hers, you givehim a piece o' my mind, an' let him know what I think o' them whatcomes stealin' away my business, an' breakin' down prices, which I don'twonder at, her pies not bein' in the same class as mine, as everybodyknows. If you was any good, you'd mash his head in for him, just to showher what I think of them. But there! Like as not, if you do catch upwith him, you two will sit an' gossip like two old grannies, which isall you are good for, either of you."

  Being thus admonished, Eph Deacon set forth to deliver his pies.

  As he reached the bridge over Mud River, Phinny Doolittle, with a basketof pies on each arm, started to cross the bridge from the opposite side,and the two men--if Mrs. Deacon will allow me--met in the middle of thebridge, and with a common impulse put down their baskets and wiped theirbrows.

  "Howdy, Phin! Blame hot day to-day, hey?" remarked Eph.

  "Howdy! Howdy, Eph!" replied Phineas; "'tis so--some smatterin' o'warmth in the air, ain't it?"

  "Dunno as I know if I ever knew one much hotter," said Eph. "How's thepie business over your way?"

  "Well, now," said Phin, "'t ain't what you'd call good, nor't ain't whatyou'd call bad. I dunno what I _would_ call it, unless I'd call it 'boutfair to middlin'. How's it over your way?"

  "'Well," Eph said, "I dunno. I ain't got no real cause to complain, Ireckon; but it does seem as if prices on pies was gittin' too low tomake it worth while fer a man to keep his woman over a hot stove a daylike this. It don't seem right fer folks to break into business an' cutthe liver out of prices."

  "Oh, now, Eph!" Phin expostulated, "you ain't got no just cause fer tosay that. A man's got to do something to git started, ain't he?"

  "If we're goin' to fight this out," said Eph, calmly, "I move we adjournover yon into the shade an' set down to it. This ain't no question ferto settle in no two shakes of a ram's tail, Phineas, an' we mought aswell settle it right now an' git shet of it."

  "I dassay you're right in that, Eph," Phineas agreed; "an' we'll jestkite over yonder an' set down an' figure the whole blame business out,so 's we won't have to bother about it no more."

  CHAPTER TWO

  When the two men were comfortably settled in the shade and had lightedtheir pipes, Eph, as the senior in the trade and the party with acomplaint, opened his mouth to speak; but before the words came forth,Phineas outflanked him and let fly a thunderbolt.

  "Eph," he said, "you got to lower down your pie prices to even up withwhat mine are."

  Eph looked at his companion in astonishment.

  "Lower down my prices!" he ejaculated. "You be crazy, Phin; plum crazy!Don't I give a bigger pie an' a better pie than what you do?"

  "Well, then," remarked Phineas, with a sly twinkle in his eye, "how doyou reckon I can h'ist my prices up any? Mebby you think I can git tencents fer a small, mean pie whiles you ask ten cents fer a big, goodone? My idee is that if we want to run along nice an' smooth, an' nothave no trouble, what we want to do is to git together an' go incahoots, an' then it don't make no difference what we sell at."

  "I'm ag'in' trusts," said Eph, coldly.

  "So'm I," said Phineas. "Who said anything about trusts? All we wantis to even things up a bit. Fust thing you know, you'll git mad an'cut your prices down to eight cents, an' I'll have to drop to six; an'you'll come to six, an' I'll go to four; an' you'll go to four, an' I'llsell pies at two; an' you'll put your pies down to two cents, an'blame my hide if I don't give pies away. Dog me if I don't!"

  Eph looked worried. "Oh, come now, Phin," he said anxiously, "you won'tup an' do that, will you?"

  "Dog me if I don't!" Phin repeated stubbornly.

  Eph arose and shook his fist at Phineas.

  "You old ijit!" he yelled. "I'll teach ye!" And bending over, he seizeda large, soft pie and slapped it down over the head of the seatedPhineas. In a moment the two men were standing face to face, fistsclenched, and breath coming short and fast, each waiting for the otherto strike the first blow.

  But neither struck. Eph's eyes fell to Phineas's shoulder, where a largefragment of pie had lodged. Phineas moved slightly and the pie fragmentwavered, tottered, and--Eph reached out his hand quickly to catch it,and Phineas dodged and, closing in, grasped him around the waist andpulled down. Eph sank upon his knees and Phineas followed him, and thetwo men, nose to nose, eye to eye, looked at each other and grinned.

  "If we're goin' to fight this thing out," said Eph, "let's go over inthe shade an' set down. It's too blame hot fer wrastlin'."

  CHAPTER THREE

  "I reckon you see now how your plan would work out," said Phineas; "we'dgive away nigh on to a thousand pies, an' all because we didn't use hosssense. I'm ag'in' trusts, same as you. I'd vote any day to down any o'them big fellers, but a little private agreement between gentlemen don'thurt nobody. What I say is, git together an' fix on a fair price an'stick to it."

  "Jest what I say," said Eph. "You lift your price up to ten cents--"

  "Never in this green world," said Phineas. "Contrariwise, you dropyour grade of pie down equal to mine, an' put your price down to eightcents."

  "Not so long as I live!" said Eph.

  "Well, then," said Phineas, "it stands this way. If we leave our pricesas they be, it means fight an' loss to us both, an' we won't change em,so w
hat's to be done?" Eph looked out over the river gloomily.

  "Dog me if I know," he sighed. "There's just one thing," said Phineas."We got to form a stock company, you an' me, an' put all our earningstogether, an' then, every so often, divide up even. Then if I sell morepies because mine are eight cents, you'll git your half of all I sell;an' if you sell more because your pies are bigger an' better, I'll getmy share of what you sell. An' when things git goin' all right, we'llraise up the price all around--say, my pies to ten cents an' yours totwelve; an' bein' in cahoots, there won't be nobody to say we sha'n't doit, an' we'll lay aside that extra profit to build up the business."

  "Phineas," said Eph, solemnly, "it's a wonder I didn't think o' thatmyself."

  "Ain't it, now?" asked Phineas. "But I 've give this thing some thought,an' I ain't begun to tell you where it ends. I wanted to see how youtook to it before I let it all out on you."

  Eph leaned forward eagerly. "Go on," he said. "Let it out on me now."

  "When the only two homemade pie-makers git together like we'll be," saidPhineas, triumphantly, "I'd like to know who'll stop us from liftin'up the price. Huh! Them that don't like to pay our prices, they can eatbakers' pies an' welcome."

  "I know some folks in this town," Eph said, "that wouldn't eat bakers'pies if they had to pay twenty-five cents apiece for homemade." Hepaused to consider this pregnant statement, and then added: "But Ireckon the bakers would git away a heap of our trade if we begun liftin'our prices much." Phineas's eyes snapped.

  "They would, hey?" he said, laughing. "Mebby they would an' mebby theywouldn't. What do you suppose we'd be doin' with that surplus we'daccumulate? Come strawberry season, we'd up an' buy every strawberrythat come to Gloning. We'd pay more than anybody could afford to, an'add the difference to our strawberry-pie price, because we'd have theonly strawberry pies in town. An' what strawberries we couldn't useright off we'd can for winter pies. An' as other fruits come in,we'd buy them up the same way. But we wouldn't be mean. We'd open afruit-store an' sell folks fruit at a good high price if they'd sign anagreement not to use any fer pie. An' in a little while the bakers wouldgit sick an' sell out their shops to us fer almost nothin'. An' thenwe'd go into the bakin' business big."

  "We'd bake cakes an' bread then," said Eph, eagerly.

  "Cakes an' bread an' doughnuts an' buns an' everything," said Phineas,with enthusiasm. "We'll git one big bake-shop an' save on expenses, an'shove up the price of stuff a little, an' just coin money."

  "We'd ought to git at it quick," said Eph. "We'd oughtn't to waste notime. What do you reckon would be a good name fer the company?"

  "I've fixed that all up," said Phineas. "We'll call it the American PieCompany, Incorporated; an' bein' as only you an' me will be in it, we'lleach have to be officers."

  "I'm goin' to be president," exclaimed Eph, with all the eagerness of aboy.

  "All right, Eph," said Phineas. "We don't want to have no more fights,an' I want to do what's right, so you can be president. I'll betreasurer."

  Eph thought for a minute. He knew Phineas well.

  "I want to do what's right, too," he said at last. "You can bepresident. I'll be treasurer."

  "I guess mebby we'd better take turns bein' treasurer," suggestedPhineas.

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  "All right," said Eph; "I want my turn first."

  CHAPTER FOUR

  When the two men had settled the treasurer question, they smoked awhilein silence, each lost in thought; and as they thought their browsclouded.

  "Say, Eph," said Phineas at length, "what be you thinkin' that makes youlook so glum?" Eph shook his head sadly.

  "I been lookin' ahead, Phin," he said--"'way ahead. An' I see a snag.I don't hold it ag'in' you, Phin; but the thing won't pan out.""What--what you run up ag'in', Eph?" asked Phineas, solicitously.

  "Fruit," said Eph, dolefully. "Loads of it. Phin, what if we _do_ gatherin all the fruit that comes to town? Ain't there just dead loads an'loads o' fruit in these here United States? An' the minute we git toputtin' up the price, it'll git noised about, an' Dagos an' Guinnies'llpile in here with fruit an' cut under us." He sighed. "'Twas a goodbusiness while it lasted, Phin; but it didn't last long." Phineas layback on the grass and laughed long and squeakily.

  "Is _that_ all the farther ahead you looked, Eph Deacon?" he asked whenhe had recovered his breath. "Any old fool ought to know that the secondyear we was in business we'd buy up all the fruit in the United States."

  Eph's face cleared and he smiled again, but Phineas's face clouded.

  "What worried me, Eph," he said, "was 'bout payin' sich high pricesfor fruit as them blame farmers would likely ask. Ner I won't stand it,neither. Will you?"

  "Not by a blame sight, Phin," said Eph. "I won't let nobody downtrod me.But," he asked anxiously, "how you goin' to stop it?"

  Phineas dug his heel in the soft turf.

  "We got to buy out the farms," he announced decisively, "an' hire thefarmers to run 'em."

  "Think we can afford it, Phin?" asked Eph. "We don't want to go puttin'our money into nothin' losing?"

  "We got to afford it," said Phin. "We're in this thing so deep now wecan't go back. An' we'll need part o' the farms, anyhow, fer our wheat."

  "Our wheat?" said Eph, puzzled. "Be we goin' to sell wheat, Phin?"

  "Sell wheat?" said Phin, with disgust. "No such fools. Won't we need allthe wheat this country can grow to keep our big flourmills rannin'? Whenwe own all the flour-mills in the country, it stands to reason we'llhave to own all the wheat, don't it?"

  Eph looked at his companion with open mouth.

  "Mills!" he ejaculated. "What fer do we want to own all the mills?"

  Phineas waved his hand in the air.

  "'Tain't 'want to,'" he said decisively, "it's 'have to.' I didn't saywe'd buy all the mills, because I thought you'd surely see fer yourselfthat we'd have to buy them."

  "Now, I ain't kickin', Phin," said Eph, in a conciliating tone;"if you say buy the mills, we'll buy 'em. I'm ready an' willin' any timeyou are. All I ask is, Why? That's all I ask--Why?"

  "Well, sir," explained Phineas, "if our bakery here puts up the price ofbread, the outside bakeries will ship in bread, if we don't buy out theoutside bakeries. An' once we start, we've got to buy out every bakeryin the country. An' when we do that we've got to own all the mills, sono one else can get any flour to start bakin'. An' to keep anybody elsefrom startin' mills, we've got to own all the wheat-belt. It's onlyright to be on the safe side, Eph." Eph crossed his knees and smokedsilently, nodding his head slowly the while.

  "I dassay you're right, Phin," he admitted at length; "but you ain'tfar-seein' enough. S'pose--just s'pose, fer instance--it come time toship a lot o' flour from our mills to our bakeries, an' them lumberfellers up North wouldn't furnish timber to supply our barrel-factories."

  Phineas laughed.

  "We'd use sacks," he said shortly.

  "Well," said Eph, "s'pose--just s'pose, fer instance--that 'bout thetime we needed cotton to run our cloth-mills to make sacks fer ourflour--" He paused. "We would run our own cloth-mills, wouldn't we,Phin?" he asked.

  "Surely, surely," replied Phineas.

  "All right," continued Eph. "S'pose them cotton-growers down Southan' them timber-growers up North wouldn't let us have no cotton or notimber. What then?"

  Phineas nodded that he comprehended the wisdom of the deduction.

  "You're right, Eph," he said. "American Pie has got to buy out thetimber-belt an' the cotton-belt. I'm glad you thought of it. It showsyou take an interest in the business, even if you did interrup' me whenI was thinkin' on a mighty important point."

  "What's that?" asked Eph. "We got to buy out the railroads," saidPhineas. "Once we own them, we can get proper freight rates."

  "Ain't you afraid mebby some of them foreign countries 'll ship in flouror fruit or crackers?" asked Eph.

  "How can they when we put the tariff up, like we will?" asked Phineas."Course, while we're buyin' up these other things, we
've got to buy upCongress."

  "Phin!" exclaimed Eph, suddenly, "we'll have a dickens of a tax-bill topay."

  "We'll swear off our taxes," said Phineas, shortly.

  Eph relapsed into meditation. "Why, Phin," he said at length, "we'llbe as good as bosses of these United States, won't we?"

  "Surely we will," Phin replied.

  "Do you suppose I'm doin' all this work an' takin' all this worry justfer the money? What do I care fer a few millions more or less, Eph, whenI've got millions an' millions? What I want is power. I want to havethis here nation so that when I say, 'Come!' it will come, an' when Isay, 'Go!' it will go, an' when I say, 'Dance!' it will dance."

  He stood up and inflated his thin breast, and tapped it with hisforefinger.

  "Eph," he said, "with this here American Pie Company goin', you an' mecan go an' say to them big trust men, 'Eat dirt,' an' they'll eat it an'be glad to git off so easy. We can--"

  He paused and glanced up the road uneasily. He shaded his eyes andlooked closely at the distant figure of a stout woman who was waddlingin their direction.

  "Skip!" he exclaimed; "here comes your wife!"

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  Eph rolled over and made a dash on his hands and knees for his basket ofpies. Phineas was already walking rapidly up the road.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  The stout woman was not Mrs. Deacon. She turned off the street beforethe truant pie-men had gone many steps, and they returned to the grassbeside the bridge. For some reason they were not so jubilantly hopeful.