Fifty Shades of Grey, Page 48

  Shrouded in darkness, Christian sits in a bubble of light as he plays, and his hair glints with burnished copper highlights. He looks naked, though I know he’s wearing his PJ

  bottoms. He’s concentrating, playing beautifully, lost in the melancholy of the music. I hesitate, watching from the shadows, not wanting to interrupt him. I want to hold him.

  He looks lost, sad even, and achingly lonely – or maybe it’s just the music that’s so full of poignant sorrow. He finishes the piece, pauses for a split second, then starts to play it again.

  I move cautiously toward him, drawn as the moth to the flame… the idea makes me smile.

  He glances up at me and frowns before his gaze returns to his hands Oh crap, is he pissed off that I am disturbing him?

  “You should be asleep,” he scolds mildly.

  I can tell he’s pre-occupied with something.

  “So should you,” I retort not quite as mildly.

  He glances up again, his lips twitching with a trace of a smile.

  “Are you scolding me, Miss Steele?”

  “Yes, Mr. Grey, I am.”

  “Well, I can’t sleep.” He frowns once more as a trace of irritation or anger flashes across his face. With me? Surely not.

  I ignore his facial expression and very bravely sit down beside him on the piano stool, placing my head on his bare shoulder to watch his deft, agile fingers caress the keys. He pauses fractionally, and then continues to the end of the piece.

  “What was that?” I ask softly.

  “Chopin. Opus 28, number 4. In E minor, if you’re interested,” he murmurs.

  “I’m always interested in what you do.”

  He turns and softly presses his lips against my hair.

  “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “You didn’t. Play the other one.”

  “Other one?”

  “The Bach piece that you played the first night I stayed.”

  “Oh, the Marcello.”

  He starts to play slowly and deliberately. I feel the movement of his hands in his shoulder as I lean against him and close my eyes. The sad, soulful notes swirl slowly and mournfully around us, echoing off the walls. It is a hauntingly beautiful piece, sadder even than the Chopin, and I lose myself to the beauty of the lament. To a certain extent, it reflects how I feel. The deep poignant longing I have to know this extraordinary man better, to try and understand his sadness. All too soon, the piece is at an end.

  “Why do you only play such sad music?”

  I sit upright and gaze up at him as he shrugs in answer to my question, his expression wary.“So you were just six when you started to play?” I prompt.

  He nods, his wary look intensifying. After a moment he volunteers.

  “I threw myself into learning the piano to please my new mother.”

  “To fit into the perfect family?”

  “Yes, so to speak,” he says evasively. “Why are you awake? Don’t you need to recover from yesterday’s exertions?”

  “It’s 8:00 in the morning for me. And I need to take my pill.”

  He raises his eyebrows in surprise.

  “Well remembered,” he murmurs, and I can tell he’s impressed. His lips quirk up in a half smile.

  “Only you would start a course of time-specific birth control pills in a different time zone. Perhaps you should wait half an hour and then another half hour tomorrow morning.

  So s eventually you can take them at a reasonable time.”

  “Good plan,” I breathe. “So what shall we do for half an hour?” I blink innocently at him.

  “I can think of a few things,” he grins, gray eyes bright. I gaze back impassively as my insides clench and melt under his knowing look.

  “On the other hand, we could talk,” I suggest quietly.

  His brow creases.

  “I prefer what I have in mind.” He scoops me onto his lap.

  “You’d always rather have sex than talk,” I laugh, steadying myself by holding on to his upper arms.

  “True. Especially with you.” He nuzzles my hair and starts a steady trail of kisses from below my ear to my throat. “Maybe on my piano,” he whispers.

  Oh my. My whole body tightens at the thought. Piano. Wow.

  “I want to get something straight,” I whisper as my pulse starts to accelerate, and my inner goddess closes her eyes, reveling in the feel of his lips on me.

  He pauses momentarily before continuing his sensual assault.

  “Always so eager for information, Miss Steele. What needs straightening out?” he breathes against my skin at the base of my neck, continuing his soft gentle kisses.

  “Us,” I whisper as I close my eyes.

  “Hmm. What about us?” He pauses his trail of kisses along my shoulder.

  “The contract.”

  He lifts his head to gaze down at me, a hint of amusement in his eyes, and sighs. He strokes his fingertips down my cheek.

  “Well, I think the contract is moot, don’t you?” His voice is low and husky, his eyes soft.“Moot?”

  “Moot.” He smiles. I gape at him quizzically.

  “But you were so keen.”

  “Well, that was before. Anyway, the Rules aren’t moot, they still stand.” His expression hardens slightly.

  “Before? Before what?”

  “Before,”… He pauses, and the wary expression is back, “more.” He shrugs.

  “Oh.”

  “Besides, we’ve been in the playroom twice now, and you haven’t run screaming for the hills.”

  “Do you expect me to?”

  “Nothing you do is expected, Anastasia,” he says dryly.

  “So, let me be clear. You just want me to follow the Rules element of the contract all the time but not the rest of the contract?”

  “Except in the playroom. I want you to follow the spirit of the contract in the playroom, and yes, I want you to follow the rules – all the time. Then I know you’ll be safe, and I’ll be able to have you anytime I wish.”

  “And if I break one of the rules?”

  “Then I’ll punish you.”

  “But won’t you need my permission?”

  “Yes, I will.”

  “And if I say no?”

  He gazes at me for a moment, with a confused expression.

  “If you say no, you’ll say no. I’ll have to find a way to persuade you.”

  I pull away from him and stand. I need some distance. He frowns as I stare down at him. He looks puzzled and wary again.

  “So the punishment aspect remains.”

  “Yes, but only if you break the rules.”

  “I’ll need to re-read them,” I say, trying to recall the detail.

  “I’ll fetch them for you.” His tone is suddenly businesslike.

  Whoa. This has gotten serious so quickly. He rises from the piano and walks lithely to his study. My scalp prickles. Jeez, I need some tea. The future of our so-called relationship is being discussed at 5:45 in the morning when he’s pre-occupied with something else

  – is this wise? I head into the kitchen which is still shrouded in darkness. Where are the light switches? I find them, flick them on, and pour water into the kettle. My pill! I rum-mage in my purse that I left on the breakfast bar and find them quickly. One swallow, and I’m done. By the time I finish, Christian is back, sitting on one of the bar stools, watching me intently.

  “Here you go.” He pushes a typed piece of paper toward me, and I notice that he’s crossed some things out.

  RULES

  Obedience:

  The Submissive will obey any instructions given by The Dominant immediately without hesitation or reservation and in an expeditious manner. The Submissive will agree to any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant excepting those activities which are outlined in hard limits (Appendix A). She will do so eagerly and without hesitation.

  Sleep:

  The Submissive will ensure she achieves a minimum of eight seven hours sleep a night wh
en she is not with The Dominant.

  Food:

  The Submissive will eat regularly to maintain her health and wellbeing from a prescribed list of foods (Appendix 4). The Submissive will not snack between meals, with the exception of fruit.

  Clothes:

  While with The Dominant, The Submissive will wear clothing only approved by The Dominant. The Dominant will provide a clothing budget for The Submissive, which The Submissive shall utilize. The Dominant shall accompany The Submissive to purchase clothing on an ad hoc basis.

  Exercise:

  The Dominant shall provide The Submissive with a personal trainer four three times a week in hour-long sessions at times to be mutually agreed between the personal trainer and The Submissive. The personal trainer will report to The Dominant on The Submissive’s progress.

  Personal Hygiene/Beauty:

  The Submissive will keep herself clean and shaved and/or waxed at all times. The Submissive will visit a beauty salon of The Dominant’s choosing at times to be decided by The Dominant, and undergo whatever treatments The Dominant sees fit.

  Personal Safety:

  The Submissive will not drink to excess, smoke, take recreational drugs or put herself in any unnecessary danger.

  Personal Qualities:

  The Submissive will not enter into any sexual relations with anyone other than The Dominant. The Submissive will conduct herself in a respectful and modest manner at all times. She must recognize that her behavior is a direct reflection on The Dominant. She shall be held accountable for any misdeeds, wrongdoings and misbehavior committed when not in the presence of the Dominant.

  Failure to comply with any of the above will result in immediate punishment, the nature of which shall be determined by The Dominant.

  “So the obedience thing still stands?”

  “Oh, yes.” He grins.

  I shake my head amused, and before I realize it, I roll my eyes at him.

  “Did you just roll your eyes at me, Anastasia?” He breathes.

  Oh fuck.

  “Possibly, depends what your reaction is.”

  “Same as always,” he says, shaking his head slightly, his eyes alight with excitement.

  I swallow instinctively and a frisson of exhilaration runs through me.

  “So... ” Holy shit. What am I going to do?

  “Yes?” He licks his lower lip.

  “You want to spank me now.”

  “Yes. And I will.”

  “Oh, really, Mr. Grey?” I challenge, grinning back at him. Two can play this game.

  “Are you going to stop me?”

  “You’re going to have to catch me first.”

  His eyes widen a fraction, and he grins, slowly getting to his feet.

  “Oh, really, Miss Steele?”

  The breakfast bar is between us. I have never been so grateful for its existence than in this moment.

  “And you’re biting your lip,” he breathes, moving slowly to his left as I move to mine.

  “You wouldn’t,” I tease. “After all, you roll your eyes.” I try reasoning with him. He continues to move toward his left, as do I.

  “Yes, but you’ve just raised the bar on the excitement stakes with this game.” His eyes blaze, and wild anticipation emanates from him.

  “I’m quite fast you know.” I try for nonchalance.

  “So am I.”

  He’s stalking me, in his own kitchen.

  “Are you going to come quietly?” he asks.

  “Do I ever?”

  “Miss Steele, what do you mean?” he smirks. “It’ll be worse for you if I have to come and get you.”

  “That’s only if you catch me, Christian. And right now, I have no intention of letting you catch me.”

  “Anastasia, you may fall and hurt yourself. Which will put you in direct contravention of rule number seven.”

  “I have been in danger since I met you, Mr. Grey, rules or no rules.”

  “Yes you have.” He pauses, and his brow furrows slightly.

  Suddenly, he lunges for me, making me squeal and run for the dining room table. I manage to escape, putting the table between us. My heart is pounding and adrenaline has spiked through my body… boy... this is so thrilling. I’m a child again, though that’s not right. I watch him carefully as he paces deliberately toward me. I inch away.

  “You certainly know how to distract a man, Anastasia.”

  “We aim to please, Mr. Grey. Distract you from what?”

  “Life. The universe.” He waves one of his hands vaguely.

  “You did seem very pre-occupied as you were playing.”

  He stops and folds his arms, his expression amused.

  “We can do this all day, baby, but I will get you, and it will just be worse for you when I do.”“No, you won’t.” I must not be over-confident. I repeat this as a mantra. My subconscious has found her Nikes, and she’s on the starting blocks.

  “Anyone would think you didn’t want me to catch you.”

  “I don’t. That’s the point. I feel about punishment the way you feel about me touching you.”His entire demeanor changes in a nanosecond. Gone is playful Christian, and he stands staring at me as if I’d slapped him. He’s ashen.

  “That’s how you feel?” he whispers.

  Those four words, and the way he utters them, speaks volumes. Oh no. They tell me so much more about him and how he feels. They tell me about his fear and loathing. I frown.

  No, I don’t feel that bad. No way. Do I?

  “No. It doesn’t affect me quite as much as that, but it gives you an idea,” I murmur, staring anxiously at him.

  “Oh,” he says.

  Crap. He looks completely and utterly lost, like I’ve pulled the rug from under his feet.

  Taking a deep breath, I move round the table until I am standing in front of him, gazing into his apprehensive eyes.

  “You hate it that much?” he breathes, his eyes filled with horror.

  “Well… no,” I reassure him. Jeez – that’s how he feels about people touching him?

  “No. I feel ambivalent about it. I don’t like it, but I don’t hate it.”

  “But last night, in the playroom, you… ” he trails off.

  “I do it for you, Christian, because you need it. I don’t. You didn’t hurt me last night.

  That was in a different context, and I can rationalize that internally, and I trust you. But when you want to punish me, I worry that you’ll hurt me.”

  His gray eyes blaze like a turbulent storm. Time moves, and expands and slips away before he answers softly.

  “I want to hurt you. But not beyond anything that you couldn’t take.”

  Fuck!

  “Why?”

  He runs his hand through his hair, and he shrugs.

  “I just need it.” He pauses, gazing at me with anguish, and he closes his eyes and shakes his head. “I can’t tell you,” he whispers.

  “Can’t or won’t?”

  “Won’t.”

  “So you know why.”

  “Yes.”

  “But you won’t tell me.”

  “If I do, you will run screaming from this room, and you’ll never want to return.” He stares at me warily. “I can’t risk that, Anastasia.”

  “You want me to stay.”

  “More than you know. I couldn’t bear to lose you.”

  Oh my.

  He gazes down at me, and suddenly, he pulls me into his arms and he’s kissing me, kissing me passionately. It takes me completely by surprise, and I sense his panic and desperate need in his kiss.

  “Don’t leave me. You said you wouldn’t leave me, and you begged me not to leave you, in your sleep,” he murmurs against my lips.

  Oh… my nocturnal confessions.

  “I don’t want to go.” And my heart clenches, turning itself inside out.

  This is a man in need. His fear is naked and obvious, but he’s lost… somewhere in his darkness. His eyes wide and bleak and tortured. I can soothe hi
m. Join him briefly in the darkness and bring him into the light.

  “Show me,” I whisper.

  “Show you?”

  “Show me how much it can hurt.”

  “What?”

  “Punish me. I want to know how bad it can get.”

  Christian steps back away from me, completely confused.

  “You would try?”

  “Yes. I said I would.” But I have an ulterior motive. If I do this for him, maybe he will let me touch him.

  He blinks at me.

  “Ana, you’re so confusing.”

  “I’m confused too. I’m trying to work this out. And you and I will know, once and for all, if I can do this. If I can handle this, then maybe you –” My words fail me, and his eyes widen again. He knows I am referring to the touch thing. For a moment, he looks torn, but then a steely resolve settles on his features, and he narrows his eyes, gazing at me speculatively as if weighing up alternatives.

  Abruptly, he clasps my arm in a firm grip and turns, leading me out of the great room, up the stairs, and to the playroom. Pleasure and pain, reward and punishment – his words from so long ago echo through my mind.

  “I’ll show you how bad it can be, and you can make your own mind up.” He pauses by the door. “Are you ready for this?”

  I nod, my mind made up, and I’m vaguely lightheaded, faint as all the blood leaves my face.He opens the door, and still grasping my arm, grabs what looks like a belt from the rack beside the door, then leads me over to the red leather bench in the far corner of the room.

  “Bend over the bench,” he murmurs softly.

  Okay. I can do this. I bend over the smooth soft leather. He’s left my bathrobe on.

  In a quiet part of my brain, I’m vaguely surprised that he hasn’t made me take it off. Holy fuck this is going to hurt… I know. My subconscious has passed out, and my inner goddess is endeavoring to look brave.

  “We’re here because you said yes, Anastasia. And you ran from me. I am going to hit you six times, and you will count with me.”