Like a Memory

  I waited a moment and she replied.

  “Please. I’m sorry. I was indifferent and hard to deal with. Let’s talk.”

  If I had loved her this would be different. But what we had was empty and we were wasting both our time. It was easy and I no longer wanted easy. Not at that price. Being with Bliss was a different kind of easy. The kind that made me feel something inside.

  “We didn’t work. You know that as well as I do. I don’t want what we had.”

  It was hard but you could talk to Octavia that way. She was blunt and harsh. No need to sugar coat things with her.

  I waited for a response. When I didn’t get one I dropped the phone and went to get dressed. I’d call my mom and tell her about my visit next week and my summer plans. She wasn’t the kind to call and bother you all the time. She let me call her and because she was so easy to deal with I tried to keep her updated. Besides if I let her get too worried my dad would kick my ass.

  Tonight I’d go to Live Bay. Get to know Bliss’s friends and fit into her world. I wanted her to want this as much as I did. Because there was no turning back now. One of them may even know a place I could rent.

  My phone buzzed and I ignored it. Octavia was saying something more. I didn’t want to be mean but that was over. She needed to get that. I wasn’t the guy for her. I never was.

  I could tell her about Bliss and that would make her stop. Her pride wouldn’t let her keep trying if she knew I had moved on.

  Stepping into the bedroom I smiled at the messy bed. It was also wet from our soaked bodies getting out of the shower. Tonight I’d take her there. Sweet and slow. Not that she didn’t seem to enjoy the rough stuff but she needed to be treated special too. If I could keep my dirty mouth from shooting off was the only thing.

  Taking the wet sheets off I made plans for our evening.

  Bliss York

  I DIDN’T HAVE to see him walk in to know he was there. Although I’d been looking for him all night. It was well after ten. The place had been busy tonight. Larissa had me working the side of the room that had our bunch sitting in it. No one else wanted to deal with them when they were being rowdy like this.

  Micah was arguing with Jude while Damon was flirting with Saffron. He knew better. But he was drunk. Holland had thankfully come tonight with Saffron. She was the only one quietly observing the wild mess going on at that table.

  I had a tray full of drinks to deliver to them when I turned to see Nate headed my way. The smile was immediate. I couldn’t help it. Seeing him made me all giddy and happy inside. It was like there was that summer and there was now. All that happened in-between was gone. No longer mattered.

  “Hey,” I said feeling shy allof the sudden.

  He walked up to me slipped his hand around my back and kissed me. Right there. It wasn’t a hot sexy kiss but a casual “hello this is my woman” kiss and I liked it.

  “Hey,” he said when he pulled back slightly then grinned. “Sorry I’m late. Had to go to Grandpop’s and workout some details of my new job with him.”

  His new job? “What?”

  His smirk remained in place like he was enjoying the confusion on my face. “I needed a job and he offered me one. Said he needs extra help for the summer. Next step is finding a place to live. Know any good rentals?”

  He was getting a job and a place to live. Holy crap! The smile that broke out on my face was all I could do. I had a tray full of drinks or I would have very likely thrown myself into his arms.

  “You’re staying?” That was very close to a squeal but I didn’t care.

  “Of course. I don’t want to leave if this is where you are.”

  That said more than any other words he could have said.

  “I really want to grab you and kiss your face,” I told him.

  “Let’s get this tray to the table. You’ve stood there having to hold it long enough. Introduce me to your friends again because I don’t think I’ve met all of them. The others, I don’t remember names.”

  I had a definite pep in my step as we walked over to their table. Micah stood up and started taking everyone’s drink order from my tray.

  “Nate Finlay, did I just see you kissing our girl?” Micah asked sounding amused.

  Before he had to respond I spoke up. “That one is Micah. You met him last time. This s Jimmy, you met him too but he was as drunk then as he is now so I doubt he remembers. Saffron, she hit on you. Her twin sister Holland who will not flirt so you don’t have to worry about her. And Jude, Micah’s brother. Eli who you know. Oh and Damon. Y’all this is Nate Finlay. My . . . friend.” I wasn’t sure what to call him but saying friend sounded weird.

  “I’m your friend and you never sucked my face,” Micah said with a smirk.

  “Shut up,” Holland snapped at him. She was the quiet, nice twin but the girl also had a temper.

  I didn’t look at Eli because we hadn’t talked about my date or anything so I didn’t know how he’d feel about seeing the kiss before hearing how things were going. He could be odd about that kind of thing. Until Nate I had talked about most everything with Eli.

  “Bliss!” Larissa was calling my name and I realized I’d taken too long.

  “I gotta get back to work. Y’all don’t tell Nate too much crap please,” I said then turned to press a kiss to his cheek before running back to Larissa.

  I was grinning like an idiot when I got to the bar.

  “That boy rocked your world didn’t he?” she asked when I got back to her.

  “He’s . . . I like him. Always have.”

  She laughed out loud. “I know that. I mean innocent Bliss isn’t so innocent anymore. It’s all over your face. I’m guessing a guy looks like that he knows what he is doing. Did you like it?”

  She was talking about sex. I froze. I couldn’t talk about this with her, could I? Was that disrespectful to Nate or would he care? I glanced back at him and saw Jimmy saying something that had everyone entertained.

  “Yeah. I loved it.” The words came out before I could stop them.

  “Then he’s a pro alright. First time sex isn’t always good. It can be terrible. I had a friend who swore she’d never do it again after the first time. She did of course, eventually.”

  “I can’t imagine not liking it.”

  Larissa laughed again. “Yeah, he’s good. I’m happy for you Bliss. But right now, I need these drinks taken to table four. Then get the orders from six. They keep waving at me.”

  I hurried to do as she said trying hard not to look at Nate although I could feel his eyes on me. I liked knowing he was here watching me. What I liked even more was knowing I’d leave tonight and he’d go with me.

  The next three hours went by in a blur. The place got packed and I didn’t get to enjoy my stops to their table and get to visit with Nate.

  It was an hour before closing time when I glanced back at Nate to see if he was still doing okay with my friends to see he was gone. I figured he’d gone to the restroom so I didn’t think about it until he didn’t come back.

  My mind was racing with reasons why he left. I thought he would have come to tell me he was leaving. That didn’t make sense for him to just leave. Unless someone said something to him.

  I looked at Eli who was also looking at me and frowning. Had he said something to Nate? If he did, we were going to have an epic argument. He had no right to put his nose into my business. He also didn’t know Nate. He just assumed he knew everything.

  By the time my shift was over my mind had gone over a hundred different reasons why he left. I was mad at Eli by this point which was ridiculous. I had no idea if it was his fault. I needed to find out the reason first. Which meant I needed to go see Nate.

  Nate Finlay

  THE BREEZE STILL blew, the water still crashed onto the shore, the sun still set and the moon still lit the evening sky. All of it was the same. It hadn’t changed. Not once. It remained the very same. Just because a life was gone the world kept turning. That seemed unfair. But
then it would be difficult to live on this earth if it mourned every life that was lost.

  Still with one phone call my path had been jerked and turned. Where I had thought I was headed just hours ago, I knew now I never could. This would change me. Harden me. I’d never be able to forgive my choices. Or forget the two lives that were gone. One that I should have been given a choice over. One that was my right to choose.

  Bliss was everything that was pure in this world. She was sunshine and happiness. She had walked through a hell of her own and came out still bright. Her outlook on life still optimistic. But that had been her battle and she’d won it.

  I’d made one wrong move and my world would forever be altered. Bliss needed someone whole and I would never be. Not now. How could I? Why should I get to enjoy life when tragedy came to something that was mine to protect?

  The duffel bag in my hand held my things. But it was like a led weight. Knowing when I drove away tonight I’d never be able to come back. Seeing Bliss and what I could have had would be too painful. The darkness that would now follow me wasn’t fair to her.

  “Nate?” her tone was nervous. She saw my bag. She knew without asking that I was leaving. What she didn’t know was what I had done. How I had failed. The sorrow I’d forced to happen. My need for her, it had caused this. No one deserved this kind of lesson.

  I couldn’t force myself to turn around. I’d see her and the agony I was living through would get worse. Because I loved her. I would love her until the day I died. But she would always remind me of what I’d done. What my selfishness had caused.

  “You’re leaving,” she said the words matter-of-factly but the emotion she held in check in her tone was something she couldn’t mask.

  “Yes.” She deserved more than that. But saying the words. Admitting the horror . . . how did I do that?

  “Did someone say something? If Eli said something he’s an idiot. I’ll deal with him. But whatever it is we can talk about it. There’s no reason to leave.”

  She thought this was because of her. I guess in a way it was. My choice had been her. That had been what sparked the end result. But I couldn’t blame her. She did nothing wrong. She was perfect and I was ruined. Broken. Fucking destroyed.

  “Your friends said nothing. They were all welcoming. Friendly even.”

  God, how did I say this aloud?

  “Then why? Did I do something wrong?” There was a crack in her voice. A small break. I was hurting her. I never wanted to hurt her. She should be held and loved. But a whole man was who she needed. I couldn’t hold her and be happy.

  “You did nothing. You are perfect.” That wasn’t her answer. I knew that. I had to tell her. To admit this. She should know the truth. Saying it was going to alter me even more. But I had no other choice. This would hurt her too but she’d know the truth and she’d move on with life. She’d find someone else to love. Someone who wasn’t a shell of a man. Someone who could hold her without a darkness in their soul.

  “My father called,” I began. Fuck my throat was closing up. Breathing was hard. “They . . . her stepmother . . . Octavia’s stepmother found her two hours ago. She . . .” God, I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. The image was there in my head. Burned so deeply even though I hadn’t seen it. The clarity of it and the pure horror wrecked me. “She was hanging from the banister of her father’s home. A rope around her neck and a note.” I had to stop there. My head pounded as those words repeated over and over in my head. The note. The pain in my father’s voice as he told me.

  “Oh mygod,” Bliss whispered. Then her hand touched my arm and I jumped. Jerked away. Not now. She couldn’t touch me now. She still didn’t know it all. What would forever haunt me.

  “Pregnant. She was four months pregnant,” I swallowed the bile in my throat. With my baby. It was too small, underdeveloped to live outside of her body. They couldn’t save it. She’d let the staff go home early. Said she was going to enjoy a quiet evening in. Her stepmother came home concerned when the housekeeper called her to tell her that Octavia had sent them all home.” I wasn’t breathing. I inhaled deeply again.

  “Nate,” she said softly and the sorrow in her voice was real. It wasn’t the torture I would endure the rest of my life or the nightmare I would relive daily in my head. But I knew she understood.

  “It was a boy,” I had to say the last. Get it out. Acknowledge that I’d had a son. One that was taken from me. One I never got a chance to meet. One that didn’t get a chance to come into this world His mother had made that choice for him. Saying this world was too cold a place and if she wanted to leave it then why would she bring a child into it.

  There was silence. Nothing to say.

  “You’re gone then. For good,” it wasn’t a question. She was just confirming what she already knew.

  “Yes.”

  I glanced at her briefly. Tears were streaming down her face as she mourned the lives lost. That was the last image I would ever have of her. Turning I walked away. From Sea Breeze. From happiness. From a life I would never deserve.

  As I stepped into the parking lot I saw the familiar black G-Wagon that belonged to my father. He stepped out of the driver’s side and my Uncle Grant stepped out of the passenger side. They both looked at me then my father started toward me.

  When his arms wrapped around me I was five years old again and this was my safe place. But dad couldn’t ease my heartache this time. “Grant’s gonna drive your truck back. Get in the car with me,” he said gruffly. He was hurting too. I’d caused all this. Me. And my fucking selfish need for a woman.

  Bliss York

  IT WAS AS if my emotions were warring with each other over who would win. Who was the most powerful. I’m not sure how I walked back to my condo from the beach out front. I don’t remember it. My thoughts were clouded with pain, sorrow, disbelief, and there was nothing I could do. Nothing I could say.

  He hadn’t wanted my comfort. There were no words I could have spoken that seemed right. No way to beg him not to leave me. To let me help him grieve. I couldn’t grieve for him. This was a blow that went deep and brutal. I had faced death. And while facing it my concern had been for those I’d leave behind. The pain I would inflict. I had fought when I wasn’t sure I had any fight left because I wouldn’t let them suffer my death.

  But Nate . . . he would have to live through not only the death of his child but a terrible tragedy. One that would wound him in a way I couldn’t bear to think about. I wanted to be there for him. I hated letting him go. But he’d not wanted me.

  Thinking about me and my loss wasn’t fair. I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t hurt for me. Because I had loved a man and lost him. He had never even got to hold his son. I’d mourn but I’d mourn for him. Not because I lost him but because of what he lost. I loved Nate Finlay even if that love had been one sided. It was enough for me. I knew what love was. I had experienced it twice for very short times. But both with him.

  The door opened and Eli was standing there. His face etched with worry and concern. “I saw him leave with two men. One drove him the other drove his truck. He had his duffel bag. Are you okay? What did he do?”

  I just stood there trying to listen. Knowing I had to say something to Eli but my soul felt so fractured that it hurt to think. To stand. To speak.

  “I swear to God I will track his sorry rich spoiled ass down and beat it! What did he do?”

  Eli was angry. Worried that Nate had hurt me. He had but he had no other choice. He was hurting worse. I understood that.

  “Octavia hung herself, Eli. And she was pregnant with his son.”

  Eli’s anger blew out like a candle. His face dropped and the horror of my words registered on his face.

  “Holy shit,” he whispered.

  “He’s gone.” Those two words didn’t say everything but they didn’t have to. Eli knew. Nate was gone and he wouldn’t be back. I felt like a horrible person for even grieving over losing him. Before I even got to enjoy loving him.

&n
bsp; Eli’s arms were around me and once there I let the pain go. The sobbing for all Nate had lost. What he’d never have and for what we would never have.

  I woke the next morning in my bed but my clothes were still on. Eli had held me while I cried last night on the sofa. That was the last thing I remembered. I must have fallen sleep. I touched my eyes. They felt raw and swollen. The ache in my chest was still there and I stared up at the ceiling. Today was like any other day. I’d get up, eat, get dressed, go to work. Life would go one. Except my heart was somewhere else. With someone else. And I couldn’t help him. I couldn’t hold him as Eli had held me

  There was a soft knock on my door and then it slowly opened and Eli peeked in. “Oh you’re awake,” he said opening it wider and coming inside.

  “I’ll get you some coffee. What do you feel like eating?”

  He was treating me like I had just lost my child. Like this horrific reality was mine. Who was making sure Nate had something to eat? Was there someone he would allow to hold him? Had he cried? Sobbed for the emptiness and grieved? Who was with him?

  I hated this. I hated not knowing if he was okay. But he made it clear with his body language and words he didn’t say that he didn’t want me near him. In the light of day, I realized he blamed me. Us. For this. Octavia had done this because Nate had left her. Broken things off. People broke up all the time. This wasn’t fair. To react this way. To take another life with your own. She had to be in a very dark place but I was angry at her. For her choice. For what she took. How could she do that? Leave her family behind? I’d not been given a choice. I had to fight to live yet she just threw her life away and that of her child’s.

  “Do you think someone is making sure he eats?”

  Eli walked over and sat at my feet on the edge of the bed. “Yes. Now that I know what happened, what I saw last night makes sense. I think that his dad came here to get him. Didn’t want him to drive. Brought the other man to drive his truck home. I watched his dad hug him tightly. I think he’s being watched over. He’s not alone.”