Once on a Time, Page 5

  CHAPTER II

  THE CHANCELLOR OF BARODIA HAS A LONG WALK HOME

  Once more it was early morning on the castle walls.

  The King sat at his breakfast table, a company of archers drawn up infront of him.

  "Now you all understand," he said. "When the King of Baro--when acertain--well, when I say 'when,' I want you all to fire your arrowsinto the air. You are to take no aim; you are just to shoot yourarrows upwards, and--er--I want to see who gets highest. Shouldanything--er--should anything brush up against them on their way--notof course that it's likely--well, in that case--er--in that casesomething will--er--brush up against them. After all, what _should?_"

  "Quite so, Sire," said the Captain, "or rather, not at all."

  "Very well. To your places."

  Each archer fitted an arrow to his bow and took up his position. Alook-out man had been posted. Everything was ready.

  The King was decidedly nervous. He wandered from one archer toanother asking after this man's wife and family, praising the polishon that man's quiver, or advising him to stand with his back a littlemore to the sun. Now and then he would hurry off to the look-out manon a distant turret, point out Barodia on the horizon to him, andhurry back again.

  The look-out knew all about it.

  "Royalty over," he bellowed suddenly.

  "When!" roared the King, and a cloud of arrows shot into the air.

  "Well done!" cried Hyacinth, clapping her hands. "I mean, how couldyou? You might have hurt him."

  "Hyacinth," said the King, turning suddenly; "you here?"

  "I have just come up. Did you hit him?"

  "Hit who?"

  "The King of Barodia, of course."

  "The King of---- My dear child, what could the King of Barodia bedoing here? My archers were aiming at a hawk that they saw in thedistance." He beckoned to the Captain. "Did you hit that hawk?" heasked.

  "With one shot only, Sire. In the whisk--in the tail feathers."

  The King turned to Hyacinth.

  "With one shot only in the whisk--in the tail feathers," he said."What was it, my dear, that you were saying about the King ofBarodia?"

  "Oh, Father, you are bad. You hit the poor man right in the whisker."

  "His Majesty of Barodia! And in the whisker! My dear child, this isterrible! But what can he have been doing up there? Dear, dear, thisis really most unfortunate. I must compose a note of apology aboutthis."

  "I should leave the first note to him," said Hyacinth.

  "Yes, yes, you're right. No doubt he will wish to explain how he cameto be there. Just a moment, dear."

  He went over to his archers, who were drawn up in lineagain.

  "You may take your men down now," he said to the Captain.

  "Yes, your Majesty."

  His Majesty looked quickly round the castle walls, and then leantconfidentially towards the Captain.

  "Er--which was the man who--er"-- he fingered his cheek--"er--quiteso. The one on the left? Ah, yes." He went to the man on the leftand put a bag of gold into his hand.

  "You have a very good style with the bow, my man. Your wrist actionis excellent. I have never seen an arrow go so high."

  The company saluted and withdrew. The King and Hyacinth sat down tobreakfast.

  "A little mullet, my dear?" he said.

  * * * * *

  The Hereditary Grand Chancellor of Barodia never forgot that morning,nor did he allow his wife to forget it. His opening, "That remindsme, dear, of the day when----" though the signal of departure for anyguests, allowed no escape for his family. They had to have it.

  And indeed it was a busy day for him. Summoned to the Palace at nineo'clock, he found the King nursing a bent whisker and in the veryvilest of tempers. His Majesty was for war at once, the Chancellorleant towards the Stiff Note.

  "At least, your Majesty," he begged, "let me consult the precedentsfirst."

  "There is no precedent," said the King coldly, "for such an outrage asthis."

  "Not precisely, Sire; but similar unfortunate occurrenceshave--occurred."

  "It was worse than an occurrence."

  "I should have said an outrage, your Majesty. Your late lamentedgrandfather was unfortunate enough to come beneath the spell of theKing of Araby, under which he was compelled--or perhaps I should saypreferred--to go about on his hands and knees for several weeks. YourMajesty may recall how the people in their great loyalty adopted asimilar mode of progression. Now although your Majesty's case is notprecisely on all fours----"

  "Not at all on all fours," said the King coldly.

  "An unfortunate metaphor; I should say that although your Majesty'scase is not parallel, the procedure adopted in your reveredgrandfather's case----"

  "I don't care what _you_ do with your whiskers; I don't care what_anybody_ does with his whiskers," said the King, still soothing hisown tenderly; "I want the King of Euralia's blood." He looked roundthe Court. "To any one who will bring me the head of the King, I willgive the hand of my daughter in marriage."

  There was a profound silence. . . .

  "Which daughter?" said a cautious voice at last.

  "The eldest," said the King.

  There was another profound silence. . . .

  _He found the King nursing a bent whisker and in thevery vilest of tempers_]

  "My suggestion, your Majesty," said the Chancellor, "is that for thepresent there should be merely an exchange of Stiff Notes; and thatmeanwhile we scour the kingdom for an enchanter who shall take somepleasant revenge for us upon his Majesty of Euralia. For instance,Sire, a king whose head has been permanently fixed on upside-downlacks somewhat of that regal dignity which alone can command therespect of his subjects. A couple of noses, again, placed atdifferent angles, so they cannot both be blown together----"

  "Yes, yes," said the King impatiently, "_I'll_ think of the things, ifonce you can find the enchanter. But they are not so common nowadays.Besides, enchanters are delicate things to work with. They have ahabit of forgetting which side they are on."

  The Chancellor's mouth drooped piteously.

  "Well," said the King condescendingly, "I'll tell you what we'll do.You may send _one_ Stiff Note and then we will declare war."

  "Thank you, your Majesty," said the Chancellor.

  So the Stiff Note was dispatched. It pointed out that his Majesty ofBarodia, while in the act of taking his early morning constitutional,had been severely insulted by an arrow. This arrow, thoughfortunately avoiding the more vital parts of his Majesty's person,went so far as to wound a favourite whisker. For this the fullestreparation must be made . . . and so forth and so on.

  Euralia's reply was not long delayed. It expressed the deepestconcern at the unhappy accident which had overtaken a friendlymonarch. On the morning in question, his Majesty had been testing hisarchers in a shooting competition at a distant hawk; whichcompetition, it might interest his Majesty of Barodia to know, hadbeen won by Henry Smallnose, a bowman of considerable promise. In thecourse of the competition it was noticed that a foreign body of somesort brushed up against one of the arrows, but as this in no wayaffected the final placing of the competitors, little attention waspaid to it. His Majesty of Barodia might rest assured that the Kinghad no wish to pursue the matter farther. Indeed, he was always gladto welcome his Barodian Majesty on these occasions. Other shootingcompetitions would be arranged from time to time, and if his Majestyhappened to be passing at the moment, the King of Euralia hoped thathe would come down and join them. Trusting that her Majesty and theirRoyal Highnesses were well, . . . and so on and so forth.

  The Grand Chancellor of Barodia read this answer to his Stiff Notewith a growing feeling of uneasiness. It was he who had exposed hisMajesty to this fresh insult; and, unless he could soften it in someway, his morning at the Palace might be a painful one.

  As he entered the precincts, he wondered whether the King would bewearing the famous boots, and whether they kicked seve
n leagues aseasily as they strode them. He felt more and more that there werenotes which you could break gently, and notes which youcouldn't. . . .

  Five minutes later, as he started on his twenty-one mile walk home, herealised that this was one of the ones which you couldn't.

  * * * * *

  This, then, was the real reason of the war between Euralia andBarodia. I am aware that in saying this I differ from the eminenthistorian, Roger Scurvilegs. In Chapter IX of his immortal work,_Euralia Past and Present_, he attributes the quarrel between the twocountries to quite other causes. The King of Barodia, he says,demanded the hand of the Princess Hyacinth for his eldest son. TheKing of Euralia made some commonplace condition as that his RoyalHighness should first ride his horse up a glassy mountain in thedistrict, a condition which his Majesty of Barodia strongly resented.I am afraid that Roger is incurably romantic; I have had to speak tohim about it before. There was nothing of the sentimental in the wholebusiness, and the facts are exactly as I have narrated them.