Once on a Time, Page 20

  CHAPTER XVII

  THE KING OF BARODIA DROPS THE WHISKER HABIT

  King Merriwig sat in his tent, his head held well back, his eyesgazing upwards. His rubicund cheeks were for the moment a snowywhite. A hind of the name of Carlo had him firmly by the nose. YetKing Merriwig neither struggled nor protested; he was, in fact, beingshaved.

  The Court Barber was in his usual conversational mood. He releasedhis Majesty's nose for a moment, and, as he turned to sharpen hisrazor, remarked,

  "Terrible war, this."

  "Terrible," agreed the King.

  "Don't seem no end to it, like."

  "Well, well," said Merriwig, "we shall see."

  The barber got to work again.

  "Do you know what I should do to the King of Barodia if I had himhere?"

  Merriwig did not dare to speak, but he indicated with his right eyethat he was interested in the conversation.

  "I'd shave his whiskers off," said Carlo firmly.

  The King gave a sudden jerk, and for the moment there were signs of abattle upon the snow; then the King leant back again, and in anotherminute or so the operation was over.

  "It will soon be all right," said Carlo, mopping at his Majesty'schin. "Your Majesty shouldn't have moved."

  "It was my own fault, Carlo; you gave me a sudden idea, that's all."

  "You're welcome, your Majesty."

  As soon as he was alone the King took out his tablets. On these hewas accustomed to record any great thoughts which occurred to himduring the day. He now wrote in them these noble words:

  "_Jewels of wisdom may fall from the meanest of hinds._"

  He struck a gong to summon the Chancellor into his presence.

  "I have a great idea," he told the Chancellor.

  The Chancellor hid his surprise and expressed his pleasure.

  "To-night I propose to pay a secret visit to his Majesty the King ofBarodia. Which of the many tents yonder have my spies located as theroyal one?"

  "The big on in the centre, above which the Royal Arms fly."

  "I thought as much. Indeed I have often seen his Majesty entering it.But one prefers to do these things according to custom. Acting onthe information given me by my trusty spies, I propose to enter theKing of Barodia's tent at the dead of night, and----"

  The Chancellor shuddered in anticipation.

  "And shave his whiskers off."

  The Chancellor trembled with delight.

  "Your Majesty," he said in a quavering voice, "forty years, man andboy, have I served your Majesty, and your Majesty's late lamentedfather, and never have I heard such a beautiful plan."

  Merriwig struggled with himself for a moment, but his natural honestywas too much for him.

  "It was put into my head by a remark of my Court Barber's," he saidcasually. "But of course the actual working out of it has been mine."

  "Jewels of wisdom," said the Chancellor sententiously, "may fall fromthe meanest of hinds."

  "I suppose," said Merriwig, taking up his tablets and absentlyscratching out the words written thereon, "there is nothing in therules against it?"

  "By no means, your Majesty. In the annuals of Euralia there are manyinstances of humour similar to that which your Majesty suggests:humour, if I may say so, which, while evidencing to the ignorant onlythe lighter side of war, has its roots in the most fundamentalstrategical considerations."

  Merriwig regarded him with admiration. This was indeed a Chancellor.

  "The very words," he answered, "which I said to myself when the ideacame to me. 'The fact,' I said, 'that this will help us to win thewar, must not disguise from us the fact that the King of Barodia willlook extremely funny without his whiskers.' To-night I shall sallyforth and put my plan into practice."

  At midnight, then, he started out. The Chancellor awaited his returnwith some anxiety. This might well turn out to be the decisive stroke(or strokes) of the war. For centuries past the ruling monarchs ofBarodia had been famous for their ginger whiskers. "As lost as theKing of Barodia without his whiskers" was indeed a proverb of thosetimes. A King without a pair, and at such a crisis in his country'sfortunes! It was inconceivable. At the least he would have to livein retirement until they grew again, and without the leadership oftheir King the Barodian army would become a rabble.

  The Chancellor was not distressed at the thought; he was lookingforward to his return to Euralia, where he kept a comfortable house.It was not that his life in the field was uninteresting; he had asmuch work to do as any man. It was part of his business, forinstance, to test the pretentions of any new wizard or spell-mongerwho was brought into the camp. Such and such a quack would seek aninterview on the pretext that for five hundred crowns he could turnthe King of Barodia into a small black pig. He would be broughtbefore the Chancellor.

  "You say that you can turn a man into a small black pig?" theChancellor would ask.

  "Yes, your lordship. It came to me from my grandmother."

  "Then turn me," the Chancellor would say simply.

  The so-called wizard would try. As soon as the incantation was over,the Chancellor surveyed himself in the mirror. Then he nodded to acouple of soldiers, and the impostor was tied backwards on to a muleand driven with jeers out of the camp. There were many such impostors(who at least made a mule out of it), and the Chancellor's life didnot lack excitement.

  But he yearned now for the simple comforts of his home. He likedpottering about his garden, when his work at the Palace was finished;he liked, over the last meal of the day, to tell his wife all theimportant things he had been doing since he had seen her, and toimpress her with the fact that he was the holder of many state secretswhich she must not attempt to drag from him. A woman of less tactwould have considered the subject closed at this point, but she knewthat he was only longing to be persuaded. However, as she alwaysfound the secrets too dull to tell any one else, no great harm wasdone.

  "Just help me off with this cloak," said a voice in front of him.

  The Chancellor felt about until his hands encountered a solid body.He undid the cloak and the King stood revealed before him.

  "Thanks. Well, I've done it. It went to my heart to do it at thelast moment, so beautiful they were, but I nerved myself to it. Poorsoul, he slept like a lamb through it all. I wonder what he'll saywhen he wakes up."

  "Did you bring them back with you?" asked the Chancellor excitedly.

  "My dear Chancellor, what a question!" He produced them from hispocket. "In the morning we'll run them up on the flagstaff for allBarodia to see."

  "He won't like that," said the Chancellor, chuckling.

  "I don't quite see what he can do about it," said Merriwig.

  * * * * *

  The King of Barodia didn't quite see either.

  A fit of sneezing woke him up that morning, and at the same moment hefelt a curious draught about his cheeks. He put his hand up andimmediately knew the worst.

  "Hullo, there!" he bellowed to the sentry outside the door.

  "Your Majesty," said the sentry, coming in with alacrity.

  _The tent seemed to swim before his eyes, and he knewno more_]

  The King bobbed down again at once.

  "Send the Chancellor to me," said an angry voice from under thebedclothes.

  When the Chancellor came in it was to see the back only of his augustmonarch.

  "Chancellor," said the King, "prepare yourself for a shock."

  "Yes, sir," said the Chancellor, trembling exceedingly.

  "You are about to see something which no man in the history of Barodiahas ever seen before."

  The Chancellor, not having the least idea what to expect, waitednervously. The next moment the tent seemed to swim before his eyes,and he knew no more. . . .

  When he came to, the King was pouring a jug of water down his neck andmurmuring rough words of comfort in his ear.

  "Oh, your Majesty," said the poor Chancellor, "your Majesty! I don'tknow what to say, your Maje
sty." He mopped at himself as he spoke,and the water trickled from him on to the floor.

  "Pull yourself together," said the King sternly. "We shall want allyour wisdom, which is notoriously not much, to help us in thiscrisis."

  "Your Majesty, who has dared to do this grievous thing?"

  "You fool, how should I know? Do you think they did it while I wasawake?"

  The Chancellor stiffened a little. He was accustomed to being calleda fool; but that was by a man with a terrifying pair of gingerwhiskers. From the rather fat and uninspiring face in front of him hewas inclined to resent it.

  "What does your Majesty propose to do?" he asked shortly.

  "I propose to do the following. Upon you rests the chief burden."

  The Chancellor did not look surprised.

  "It will be your part to break the news as gently as possible to mypeople. You will begin by saying that I am busy with a greatenchanter who has called to see me, and that therefore I am unable toshow myself to my people this morning. Later on in the day you willannounce that the enchanter has shown me how to defeat the wickedEuralians; you will dwell upon the fact that this victory, as assuredby him, involves an overwhelming sacrifice on my part, but that forthe good of my people I am willing to endure it. Then you willsolemnly announce that the sacrifice I am making, have indeed alreadymade, is nothing less than---- What are all those fools cheering forout there?" A mighty roar of laughter rose to the sky. "Here, what'sit all about? Just go and look."

  The Chancellor went to the door of the tent--and saw.

  He came back to the King, striving to speak casually.

  "Just a humorous emblem that the Euralians have raised over theircamp," he said. "It wouldn't amuse your Majesty."

  "I am hardly in a mood for joking," said the King. "Let us return tobusiness. As I was saying, you will announce to the people that theenormous sacrifice which their King is prepared to make for themconsists of-- There they go again. I must really see what it is.Just pull the door back so that I may see without being seen."

  "It--it really wouldn't amuse your Majesty."

  "Are you implying that I have no sense of humour?" said the Kingsternly.

  "Oh, no, sire, but there are certain jokes, jokes in the poorest oftaste, that would naturally not appeal to so delicate a palate as yourMajesty's. This--er--strikes me as one of them."

  "Of that I am the best judge," said the King coldly. "Open the doorat once."

  The Chancellor opened the door; and there before the King's eyes,flaunting themselves in the breeze beneath the Royal Standard ofEuralia, waved his own beloved whiskers.

  The King of Barodia was not a lovable man, and his daughters weredecidedly plain, but there are moments when one cannot help admiringhim. This was one of them.

  "You may shut the door," he said to the Chancellor. "The instructionswhich I gave to you just now," he went on in the same cold voice, "arecancelled. Let me think for a moment." He began to walk up and downhis apartment. "You may think, too," he added kindly. "If you haveanything not entirely senseless to suggest, you may suggest it."

  He continued his pacings. Suddenly he came to a dead stop. He wasstanding in front of a large mirror. For the first time since he wasseventeen he had seen his face without whiskers. His eyes still fixedon his reflection, he beckoned the Chancellor to approach.

  "Come here," he said, clutching him by the arm. "You see that?" Hepointed to the reflection. "That is what I look like? The mirrorhasn't made a mistake of any kind? That is really and truly what Ilook like?"

  "Yes, sire."

  For a little while the King continued to gaze fascinated at hisreflection, and then he turned on the Chancellor.

  "You coward!" he said. "You weak-kneed, jelly-souled, paper-liveredimitation of a man! You cringe to a King who looks like that! Why,you ought to _kick_ me."

  The Chancellor remembered that he had one kick owing to him. He drewback his foot, and then a thought occurred to him.

  "You might kick me back," he pointed out.

  "I certainly should," said the King.

  The Chancellor hesitated a moment.

  "I think," he said, "that these private quarrels in the face of thecommon enemy are to be deplored."

  The King looked at him, gave a short laugh, and went on walking up anddown.

  "That face again," he sighed as he came opposite the mirror. "No,it's no good; I can never be King like this. I shall abdicate."

  "But, your Majesty, this is a very terrible decision. Could not yourMajesty live in retirement until your Majesty had grown your Majesty'swhiskers again? Surely this is----"

  The King came to a stand opposite him and looked down on him gravely.

  "Chancellor," he said, "those whiskers which you have just seenfluttering in the breeze have been for more than forty years my curse.For more than forty years I have had to live up to those whiskers,behaving, not as my temperament, which is a kindly, indeed a genialone, bade me to behave, but as those whiskers insisted I shouldbehave. Arrogant, hasty-tempered, over-bearing--these are thequalities which have been demanded of the owner of those whiskers. Iplayed a part which was difficult at first; of late, it has, alas!been more easy. Yet it has never been my true nature that you haveseen."

  He paused and looked silently at himself in the glass.

  "But, your Majesty," said the Chancellor eagerly, "why choose thismoment to abdicate? Think how your country will welcome this new Kingwhom you have just revealed to me. And yet," he added regretfully,"it would not be quite the same."

  The King turned round to him.

  "There spoke a true Barodian," he said. "It would not be the same.Barodians have come to expect certain qualities from their rulers, andthey would be lost without them. A new King might accustom them toother ways, but they are used to me, and they would not like medifferent. No, Chancellor, I shall abdicate. Do not wear so sad aface for me. I am looking forward to my new life with the greatest ofjoy."

  The Chancellor was not looking sad for him; he was looking sad forhimself, thinking that perhaps a new King might like changes inChancellors equally with changes in manners or whiskers.

  "But what will you do?" he asked.

  "I shall be a simple subject of the new King, earning my living by myown toil."

  The Chancellor raised his eyebrows at this.

  "I suppose you think," said the King haughtily, "that I have not theintelligence to earn my own living."

  The Chancellor with a cough remarked that the very distinguishedqualities which made an excellent King did not always imply thecorresponding--er--and so on.

  "That shows how little you know about it. Just to give one example.I happen to know that I have in me the makings of an excellentswineherd."

  "A swineherd?"

  "The man who--er--herds the swine. It may surprise you to hear that,posing as a swineherd, I have conversed with another of the professionupon his own subject, without his suspecting the truth. It is justsuch a busy outdoor life as I should enjoy. One herds and one milks,and one milks, and--er--herds, and so it goes on day after day." Ahappy smile, the first the Chancellor had ever seen there, spreaditself over his features. He clapped the Chancellor playfully on theback and added, "I shall simply love it."

  The Chancellor was amazed. What a story for his dinner-parties whenthe war was over!

  "How will you announce it?" he asked, and his tone struck a happy meanbetween the tones in which you address a monarch and a pig-minderrespectively.

  "That will be your duty. Now that I have shaken off the curse ofthose whiskers, I am no longer a proud man, but even a swineherd wouldnot care for it to get about that he had been forcibly shaved whilesleeping. That this should be the last incident recorded of me inBarodian history is unbearable. You will announce therefore that Ihave been slain in fair combat, though at the dead of night, by theKing of Euralia, and that my whiskers fly over his royal tent as asymbol of his victory." He winked at the Chancel
lor and added, "Itmight as well get about that some one had stolen my Magic Sword thatevening."

  The Chancellor was speechless with admiration and approval of theplan. Like his brother of Euralia, he too was longing to get homeagain. The war had arisen over a personal insult to the King. If theKing was no longer King, why should the war go on?

  "I think," said the future swineherd, "that I shall send a Note overto the King of Euralia, telling him my decision. To-night, when it isdark, I shall steal away and begin my new life. There seems to be noreason why the people should not go back to their homes to-morrow. Bythe way, that guard outside there knows that I wasn't killed lastnight; that's rather awkward."

  "I think," said the Chancellor, who was already picturing his returnhome, and was not going to be done out of it by a common sentry, "Ithink I could persuade him that you _were_ killed last night."

  "Oh, well, then, that's all right." He drew a ring from his finger."Perhaps this will help him to be persuaded. Now leave me while Iwrite to the King of Euralia."

  It was a letter which Merriwig was decidedly glad to get. It announcedbluntly that the war was over, and added that the King of Barodiaproposed to abdicate. His son would rule in his stead, but he was aharmless fool, and the King of Euralia need not bother about him. TheKing would be much obliged if he would let it get about that thewhiskers had been won in a fair fight; this would really be more tothe credit of both of them. Personally he was glad to be rid of thethings, but one has one's dignity. He was now retiring into privatelife, and if it were rumoured abroad that he had been killed by theKing of Euralia matters would be much more easy to arrange.

  Merriwig slept late after his long night abroad, and he found thisNote waiting for him when he awoke. He summoned the Chancellor atonce.

  "What have you done about those--er--trophies?" he asked.

  "They are fluttering from your flagstaff, sire, at this moment."

  "Ah! And what do my people say?"

  "They are roaring with laughter, sire, at the whimsical nature of thejest."

  "Yes, but what do they say?"

  "Some say that your Majesty, with great cunning, ventured privily inthe night and cut them off while he slept; others, that with greatbravery you defeated him in mortal combat and carried them away as thespoils of the victor."

  "Oh! And what did _you_ say?"

  The Chancellor looked reproachful.

  "Naturally, your Majesty, I have not spoken with them."

  "Ah, well, I have been thinking it over in the night, and I remembernow that I _did_ kill him. You understand?"

  "Your Majesty's skill in sword play will be much appreciated by thepeople."

  "Quite so," said the King hastily. "Well, that's all--I'm getting upnow. And we're all going home to-morrow."

  The Chancellor went out, rubbing his hands with delight.